30 and Trying to Love It
It's been a while...
The title is the same as my husband's favorite Staind
song. Like that matters here. This is supposed to be
about me. I haven't updated this since all the shit that
happened on 9-11-01 (obviously), but my life in general has
not been all that great since then anyway. Right after it
happened I was scared shitless, waiting for the other shoe
to drop, so to speak. My husband didn't talk much about it
other than saying how he wanted to enlist and how mad it
made him. I finally brought it up and told him how I was
feeling and tried to find out how he was feeling other than
angry and we found out that we were feeling pretty much the
same. SCARED! I was scared that I would go to sleep one
night and not wake up because some asshole had launched a
bomb or something. Obviously that didn't happen. Things
went real well for us after that for about two weeks then
my husband got laid off. We knew it was coming, but that
didn't make it any easier since he hadn't been getting any
offers or finding many leads for a new job. It's been
getting steadily worse.
I read a post on a his website on the message board from a
friend that said something to the effect of "unemployed sex
is great at least" and he replied that he wouldn't know
since he hadn't touched me since he got laid off. It was
true, not through lack of trying on my part, but because he
was depressed. This was about a week and a half after he
got laid off and I know that doesn't seem like a lot of
time to most people, but when you are as active as we were,
it can seem like a million years. Ever since then he has
been staying up most of the night, not coming to bed until
just about time for me to get up. If I want to him to go
to bed with me, I have to stay up until really late and I
still have to go to work the next day. I haven't had him
in my bed with me awake in god knows how long. He watches
movies all day with our "new" roommate or plays video games
all day and night. Personally I think it's a bit selfish
of him to think only of him, but what the hell do I know.
I feel like I'm only there to take care of the animals and
buy the groceries, cook, do laundry and be there just in
case he might want some early on Sunday morning.
I am about at my wits end. I only want him to be happier
with things. I know that the situation is getting bad with
him not working, but that doesn't mean that the things we
can control, like our relationship, has to be bad too. I
feel pretty fucking useless because it doesn't matter what
I say or do. I try to be helpful with suggestions of stuff
to do, but he would rather do nothing. I just want my
husband back. He tells me he loves me every day, but it's
just starting to sound like words. I once told him that it
was the little things that made the difference and I didn't
realize how true that was until he didn't seem to give a
shit about me anymore. For example, when I come home from
work, he is usually playing his video game and doesn't give
a shit if I don't particularly want to watch him play the
damn game all night. I would occasionally like to watch a
TV show or movie, but I don't want to say anything because
I am hoping that it will make him feel better to do what he
is doing. Maybe he thinks that I don't care, but I don't
see how that is possible.
Maybe I'm just a stupid, whiny little bitch and should just
be happy that I have what I do. Who knows....is there
anything I can do. I can't even talk to anyone about this
because I don't want to embarrass him. Like it matters.
This has got me so messed up that it has started to affect
me all day. There are some mornings when I cry all the way
to work because I don't know what I can do or say to help
the situation. He just tells me he's not tired and can't
sleep, but I have to say that he seems to be sleeping just
fine when I leave for work in the morning. I alternate
between being sad and angry. I get all pissed off at him
and he doesn't even know it because I don't want to start a
fight with him and I don't want to make him feel bad for
making me feel this way, but I don't know what to do or how
long I can take it.
This is so stupid. This doesn't seem to be helping at
all. All I want to do is cuddle up in his arms for a while
without having to worry about anything or anybody else, but
I don't know if that will ever happen.
I heard on the radio the other day that people are having a
lot of sex right now in response to the tragedy and all
that shit. Kinda made me feel like there might be
something wrong with me since he seems real interested in
looking at all the beautiful women on TV and in the movies
and making sexy comments about them, but can't seem to be
interested in me at all. Oh well, more feeling sorry for
Put on your game face and get on with your day.
Nothing you say or do matters today.
Try to carry on as best as you can
For deep in your heart you love that man.
He may drive you crazy with worry and woe
He might make you cry, but don't let him know.
Maybe one day, it will all work out
You can't let it fill you with worry and doubt.
All you can do is keep carrying on
Trying to make it without anyone
You've got no one to blame for this, it's no one's fault
Just keep it all inside, locked in your heart's vault.
When it gets to be too much and you're bent with grief
Just cry it all out; try to find some relief
I know that one day it just might work out
What good would it do to scream and to shout.
There's no one to listen and tell you you're right
There's no one to hold you when you wake at night
This can't last forever despite what you think
Just remember that, when you're on the brink.
Things always seem darkest just before dawn
On the front lines or just on your lawn
Things will get brighter I know for a fact
We pledged our love and sealed the pact.
It may take longer than initially thought
But when it's over and gallantly fought
The reward will be greater than you ever believed
And hopefully all pain will then be relieved.
When you can't take it for any more minutes
Hours or days, you don't know your limits
Remember the good days and how they were then
And know in your heart, they will be again.
I leave you with thought written on the fly for anyone who
might want to read it. It made me feel a little better.