Little Bitca

Words spilling from my brain
2001-10-26 07:25:39 (UTC)

*sigh*

Gosh, what is this? what am i feeling? am i even feeling
something?
I don't want to go back to depression, i can't go back. i
won't go back (i won't, i won't go back).
Why is it that i have to be like this? i do not open up to
people, i am very introverted when i am not writing, i'm
not the kind of person who can hug or say i love you...at
least not to anyone who is not him. And he is something i
can't have in the way i wish i had, i don't even know if i
can even have him as a friend anymore.
Did i ever really step out of my depression? is this only
another one of my masks i'm wearing? Why do i need him to
be happy? (i don't need him, i DON'T need him!)...
He was my best friend, my brother, my partner, my teacher,
my connection to the world, and i guess that is the
problem...
I know i can't have him, i know it. But that doesn't keep
me from wanting his undivided attention. I am jealous of
everyone he talks to, and everyone who can look him in the
eye, because he does not talk to me, and i can not look at
his eyes.
And people think i'm mad at him...i'm not mad at him, i'm
mad at myself for loving him, i'm mad at myself for making
HIM my priority, i'm mad at myself because i know i will be
ok with or without him (will i be? will i really be?), yet
i dont want to be without him.
We both are battling out own demons, I guess i was just
hoping we could do it together.


wow, i never meant to even write this, weird, ok yeah,
haha.