2001-03-14 08:35:45 (UTC)

I really dont know whats wrong..

I really dont know whats wrong with me. Today i met a
friend and we had lunch together. I really like her and we
usually have a great time together every time we meet. But
today i felt so weird when i was with her. She was telling
me about her boyfriend. Well, the new one and her ex. She
said it was hard for her to decide who to be with. She
needed advice and i was certainly not in the mood to give
her any. I mean, if she took any of my advices, she would
probably have the worst life.. Uh.. Maybe im the last one
to ask for advice.. If i knew what was right to do, my life
wouldnt have been such a mess right? I wanna scream. Im so
mad.. I guess im mad at myself.. But i dont know why..
Today i have decided that whats been makin me feel so down
lately is.. That i feel lonely.. Okay, maybe its
**loneliness** what my location is.. not **silkiness** I
thought i was happy and i thought my life was getting
better but these last two days have changed my mind. MY
LIFE SUCKS. Im bored of it. I wish it was something like my
diary and i could change it anytime i want to.. Thats why i
like OD this much.. Everything’s like the way you want them
to be. I could have been writing **Oh god how happy i am
today** and maybe that would make me feel better. But then
it wouldnt be a real diary.. Everything i write here is
exactly whats been going on in my life and thru my mind.
And whats been going on in my life sucks.. What do i have
in my life to be proud of? Okay, this has got nothing to do
with self confidence.. I am a confident person and i like
who i am. But i just think im not good at **living** at
all.. What kind of a life is this? Damn its me who has
turned my life into a black hole and now im trying to get
out of it. Im sick of TRYING to get out of situations. Why
the hell can’t i feel all comfortable and take things easy?
No thats not my kinda thing. Take things easy. No i cant.
Damn you have no idea how many chocolate bars i have eaten
since i started writing this entry and i wonder how many
more i will have eaten by the time i finish.. Okay im gonna
get a huge ass.. Im gonna be a fat girl. What the hell have
i gained trying to keep in shape? Look what that asshole
said to me.. **You make me think of sex everytime i see
you** Stupid. Is that what im living for? To remind ppl of
sex? Im gonna eat all the chocolates in the fridge tonight.
And an elephant will be what i’ll remind people of when
they see me. HA!
Okay.. Im tired of going to school. I should have graduated
by now. Im so lazy that i cant even get my ass out of bed
in the mornings and go to my classes. Thats why i still
havent graduated. I hope they dont kick me out of the
school next year. If i had been taking my classes properly
since the year i started going to university, things
wouldnt be like this now. I would be doing my masters
degree and all that. Look what i have been doing. Still
wasting my time not going to school.
And i so regret quitting my job at the gym. I should have
reported that asshole manager and then he would have to
quit his job. Not me. Silly SiLkY. You just dont think at
times. And now there’s this job i might start in a month.
But they want me to work in the weekends too, and weekends
are the only days i can see K. Cuz he works in the weekdays
and has weekends off. And i have two weekdays off and i
have to work in the weekends. So if i start working for
this company, it will be like impossible for us to see each
other. But i need a job. Well its not cuz im running outta
money. Dad says he can always give me the money but i dont
like getting money from him. Thats the problem. I hate it
even. I MUST earn my own money like i have always been.
Thats one of the ways i can be happy. But i liked my former
job so much that i really dont know how much i can
concentrate on this new one. I loved being an aerobics
instructor. But im not sure i will like this new job as
much. I will work for a company.. Translation. I hate
translating things into another language. I’ll have to sit
on my butt all day and translate things. How boring.
Anyways, a job is a job.. Its not certain yet that im gonna
take the job. Just a probability..
When i graduate, im gonna start my masters degree on human
resources. I cant wait to do that. You know, i just wanna
get my life set as soon as possible. Im just sick of this.
I have wasted a lot of time. And im afraid i will keep
doing that cuz ill always keep being the same ole SiLkY...
sigh.. Um, i will try..
Well and i need my man beside me. Well i am just tired of
talking on the phone listening to him saying how busy he
is. I wanna have him here with me. Not all the time of
course, we all have to work and stuff, but i hate having a
boyfriend and feeling lonely at the same time. I wanna feel
him in my life. I was able to see him twice a week before
he had to start working out of town. Now im gonna be able
to see him only twice a month. Damn it. What the hell are
we gonna do? I dont think a relationship can go right when
there’s distance between the couple. I dont mean they cheat
on each other. It just causes problems. Like feeling lonely
and all that. I have lotsa friends that i can spend time
with, but i get bored. And sure there can be lotsa man that
i can spend time with as well, but what will that do? I
will cheat on him and that will make me feel even worse. I
want him. Cuz he is the one thats been on my mind all the
time. And that makes me feel so down that i cant even enjoy
myself when im out with friends. I was not like this
before.. What the hell is wrong with me.. SiLkY.. thats not
the way you really are...
Ugh i have eaten so much chocolate that my tummy hurts. Not
hurt, but feels weird. You know what S told me before i
went on that vacation? I was bored when he called me and
asked me if we could meet and i said okay. We met up
somewhere and i found myself in his room in half an hour.
Well, that was kind of cool with me, cuz i needed to have
some fun, but it was rubbish. And then, he started asking
me about K. Does he call you? Do you still see each other?
And i said yeah but cuz he worked out of town, it had been
hard for us to meet. Then i asked about his life. And he
said **I gotta be honest with you SiLkY, your not the only
girl in my life. Im not a kind of man that can be just one
girl’s. You see, all we share is my bed and you never wanna
meet me more than once a month. You give me nothing
special** Oh, so what? You know why? Cuz you suck.. You
thought i wanted you to be mine? No no never.. What did ya
think, i thought i was the girl you were in love with?
Silly, you are a kind of man that isnt even worth spending
time in bed with.. You are rubbish. All you say when we
meet is, **Damn girl, what legs you have, what an ass OMG**
You never try to share any other thing with me, what else
did ya expect to happen between us? Have you ever tried to
talk to me about my life and feelings? All you cared about
was my ass.. So, what the hell did ya expect? What special
thing should i have given you? All i know about you is that
you got a huge penis, but you dont know how to use it..
Well, its okay if i dont see you till the end of my life
again. Not a loss really.. All im gonna say when you call
me next is, call one of your girls honey, im fed up with
you.. Fuck off..
Man, im angry.. I’ll go brush my teeth maybe that could
stop me from eating more tonight..
Okay.. Im back. Im bored. I dont know what i should do to
get rid of this boredom. I dont feel like going out
tonight. I dont feel like watching TV either. Maybe i
should do some exercise.. You know, some sit ups and stuff
like that. But oh well, doing that at home sucks. Unless im
at a gym, i always find it so damn hard to do sports. One
has to be lazy at home.. Thats what homes are for :P
You know what happened a few days ago? LOL i know im
talking too much today.. Well i went playing bowling with a
couple of friends. There i met a few more girls. I usually
dont like the first 10 mins when i meet a girl. Cuz most
girls, (not all of them)stare at each other to see what
shoes and clothes are on. LOL i find that silly. I hate it
when a girl stares at me from head to toe unless its some
other kind of thing( i mean maybe she looks cuz she finds
me beautiful, i do that a lot.. I can watch a beautiful
girl for minutes.. I never get jealous, cuz as i said, i
adore women. Im talking about those jealous type silly
girls.. I hate to catch their eyes on me) Anyways, i met
those girls there and here is their first comment about me.
SiLkY wont it be hard for you to play bowling with those
long nails? You will break them.. You cant even hold the
bowling ball in your hands.. Your arms are so thin.. LOL..
We played bowling and i kicked their ass and they now know
that long nails can too play bowling.. You should have seen
the look on their faces.. Why do some girls are so stupid?
SOME girls are really deserve to be made fun of.
Okay ill be going now.. Enough moaning and bitching right?
I will go read some magazines i think. And drink some
coke.. And imagine i have a cat on my lap.. Um, tell me
what animal you find the cutest and the most ugly. I find
cats the cutest, in fact i adore them. And i find all kinds
of flies disgusting. Especially mosquitos. I hate it when
they start buzzing around my head while im trying to sleep.
Cats are the most beautiful animals that has been created
ever. To me.. They remind me of women ;)