jane_doe

a little piece of me
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2001-10-25 23:40:49 (UTC)

slipping...

ugh. well, it's happening again. i can feel the
depression creeping back in. i've been doing so good the
past few days. why does this always happen?? i don't even
know why i'm depressed. i just am. i should be happy. i
want to be happy. i knew this was coming. perhaps this is
a self-fulfilling prophecy. sigh. i don't know. i
promised michael i wouldn't cut anymore, so in a few hours
i'm going to be in horrible shape. i wish i could just be
normal (by normal, i mean get off this damn emotional
roller coaster and have things be nice and balanced. i'm
tired of the long lows and short highs. something in the
middle would be nice). i dunno. my mom wants me to talk
to a doctor, but i just can't. she wants me to ask about
medication, but i don't want to fight this with drugs.
i've been addicted to sleeping pills, and i hate having to
depend on drugs for anything. i know, sleeping pills. big
deal. well, insomnia had been kicking my ass for a few
months, so i started taking them. it was great...i could
sleep again. who cares that i felt sick the next day.
then one wasn't enough. soon, five or six a night wasn't
enough. i couldn't get any kind of sleep what so ever
without them. it was hard to get off of them. i don't
want to do that again.

anyway, i don't want drugs, and i'm not talking to a
shrink. i can't cut anymore, and as ashamed as i am to
admit it, i tried sleeping with a stranger to make me feel
better once. that didn't work well at all (no shit). and
it wasn't a one night stand. this lasted a few months.
the guy was a total jerk, and we had absolutely nothing in
common. that was a while ago...pre-michael. that reminds
me, i haven't talked to him in a few days, and i miss him
so much. i'm worried about him. i have probably fucked
things up again. this time it wasn't on purpose. i don't
know. maybe that's why i'm getting depressed again, from
not talking to him. i hate being dependent on him. maybe
it's good that's he's not around right now. i don't know.
i don't know much, do i? i don't know anything, actually.

i came across this quote today. it sorta kinda applies to
something that happened to me today. the quote is from
adlai stevenson--'a free society is one in which it is safe
to be unpopular'. is our society really a free one? no,
it isn't. here, being different means being unpopular, and
that can be a very dangerous thing. i get shit a lot of
being 'weird'...i don't understand why people hate me
because the clothing i wear is different from theirs. i
really don't. that's the second stupidest thing i've ever
heard of (the first is hating someone because of their skin
color...i don't know one single person who has ever had a
say over what color their skin is. hating someone for that
is too idiotic for words to describe). people really make
me ill. this is getting to be quite a problem. it's
getting harder and harder to leave my house every day. the
human race disgusts me to no end. an aquaintance was
telling me about this question she had on a test. it had
something to do with defining the word 'ecology'. she said
the answer, according to the professor, was 'all the plants
and animals in an environment that benefit man'. something
to that extent. what the fuck is that? that irked me so
much. how selfish. i would have walked up and handed the
test to the teacher and told him where to stick it. grrr.

alright, i know. i rant too much about the most inane
things. another sigh. i quit.

jane_doe


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