Nick's Journal
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2001-10-25 19:09:44 (UTC)

The Mind (2)

Drew stood on the sidewalk. I pulled up and got out.
Drew's whistle unnerved me. Grand Theft Auto.......I
didn't think of it like that. I thought prank, revenge,
fun, not years in jail. I leave the car with Drew who's
going to take "good care of it" and I get a ride from Sean
back to my house. I can't even get myself to go to school
anymore. Sick one day, and now I'm here. Of course I heard
about what happened by the end of the day. I just coudn't
go to school. I want it to end, I want to give it back and
make it good. But they had already gotten cops on it. By
friday I seriously couldn't take it anymore. I was no
criminal. I was scared beyond belief and I just wanted to
put it back. I visit drew and despite all of his protests
I take it and decide to drive it back to the school. Dusk
was setting in and I was a nervous wreck on the road.
Every slight noise was a cop, I couldn't think straight and
I just wanted it to be over. I got to within a street of
the school as I realize I have couldn't possibly drive it
in there. I go around the back and drop it off near the
gym. in another one of my rages at my first act of vengence not
falling through i decide to go through with a more simplistic act of
revenge, andy (in my opinion) a much more satisfying one I walk
towards the school and formulate reasons why
I'm still there, as I get to the top of the hill I look
down upon the track team. SHIT! here i am being seen
coming from the gym, right after the car shows up? oh
shit...i couldn't possibly run back, so i walk down past
them and head for the school. thoughts race through my mind
as i head to his locker and just throw the keys in. i
finish my day by puking in the shitter and getting drew to
pick me up. as i head back outside i see cop cars and damn near shit
myself. i watch as they treat the car like a fucking crime scene,
and haul it off.
3 days later we're invited to thanksgiving dinner by them.
i try everything in my power not to get dragged along but
it's inevitable my father's steadfast resolutions can never
be altered. among turkey after turkey, and pots and pots
of stuffing, everyone gleefully recites their planned
stories. of course the topic of the day is how "god"
allowed for the safe return of their son's materialistic
true love. i watch them laugh and praise the lord. but i
know that they know. how could they not? fingerprints,
hair samples, shit, i think i pissed myself in that car so
they have all that they needed. maybe they just wanted to
give me one last meal. the whole time my heart slams in my
chest. HE won't shut up about how great the cops were taking the car
to the station and getting everything cleared up and then hauling it
back to his doorstep. his bad breath and even worse
glee seeps into my brain. HE keeps on saying how lucky he
is, how he thanks god, how he knew nothing bad would happen
to him. i listen to his rambling and i try not to spin out
of control. what if they know? what did that whole thing
get me? here i am sitting listening to this idiot once
again! my hatred for him increasing, my fear of getting
caught decreasing. thank god this, thank god that. thank
god we have money, food, bmws. the world is fair. i excuse
myself and say i have to go to the bathroom. i see the bmw
keys hanging out on the key rack and once again grab them
and run. i run outside jump into the car and race off. i
go flying down the long straight hill leading to the road
below. ocne again i feel free and justified. this time
everything will be fine! i won't return! i won't get in
trouble! as i get closer to the stop sign and the T
intersection with the little row of houses ahead of me
getting bigger and bigger, i hit the brakes and realize with a
sinking feeling that not even the cops thought of my second plan of
revenge. my speed just increases as i fly faster and faster to my
demise. maybe it was claude, maybe it was me, maybe it was the track
team. they drove me out of their house with their love and rejoicing
and sent me to my righteous punishment. after all, it was a
fair world and god doesn't like cheaters.

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