Metropolis

Dark Metropolis Diary
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2001-10-25 18:22:41 (UTC)

A Diary of Darkness

This diary is of a little bit of my dark side, so if you are
really interested, be forewarned. Life is never fun or fair
to anyone any more, I've noticed, so I'm trying to show
up and make the best of it.

This weekend I am going on a church retreat to
Ruidoso, New Mexico. It does not need to be said that I
am not happy about it. As a matter of fact, I don't really
care to go.

I've been going to church for 9 years now and in those 9
years I've grown a lot in terms of who I believe I am and
what I truly believe is the righteous way to live.

I am normal, I am a human being, I make mistakes just
like everyone else. In the last year, I've been the
recipient of more trash and more condemnation from
those that were supposed to be my brothers and
sisters than not. It has been neither pretty nor fun for
anyone lately and I have found that there is no real way
to count on God's love from everyone at any one point in
time.

Most of the people I am spending time with this
weekend are a bunch of white washed Pharisees, as
the bible says. They believe they live the truly righteous
life by walking and talking the right way and by saying
the right things. I just wish I could help them to see that
their walking the walk and talking the talk doesn't really
make them any better than anyone else who is out
there. As a matter of fact, we are all worse off for the
simple fact that we are humans and nothing else.

Our natures are inherently dark and the little light we
may seem to have from following The Gospel or any
other God, for that much, is only a small pinprick in the
grander scheme of things.

Such I have come to realize myself and I can only
respond, "God have mercy on me, a sinner." I realize I
am nowhere near worthy of any sort of salvation, and
it's only God's gift that allows me any sort of remote
happiness.

But back to this weekend that is looming large in my
mind. I don't really want to go for the simple reason that
I don't want to deal with a bunch of people who are
white-washed and feel they've got it going on, so to
speak. I know differently and I know that none of them
are truly real about who they are. To me, that is one the
most disgusting elements of the people who claim to
be disciples but aren't. They put on a merry facade of
what should be right and they ignore the inside of
themselves that is locked in darkness, refusing to be
exposed into the light.

I went through a lot of hell in the last year thanks to their
self-righteous condemnation, and forgiveness is still
long in coming I suppose.

So why am I going, you ask? Well, I'm going because I
feel the need to exercise my own form of righteousness
and to try and keep the peace amongst God's people, if
for no other reason than that.

Metropolis~


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