Joshin Jane

Passionfruit
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2001-10-25 15:36:28 (UTC)

10.24.01

I've just taken 20 advil and feel like a few more couldn't hurt.
i don't know if anything i'm feeling is rational, so i want to get
some of it written down so tonight isn't just a ridiculous memory.
when i was in princeton schools, i was socially and emotionally
unstable.
i wanted to die every single day.
i've spent three years at lawrenceville trying to find myself and
develop into an intelligent, fun, outoing, athletic person.
for the most part, i felt i'd been successful.
i thought i had finally regained my own trust.
lawrenceville has been wonderful to me and the only times it becomes
unbearable are those involving my parents.
i'm not in the best state of mind to quote anyone verbatim, but my
father told me tonight that he, who also works a week without
weekends, has the right to choose what he pays $20,000 for.
those $20,000, he said, are only intended for my education.
not for extracurriculars, he said; no theater, no gay-straight
alliance.
i didn't tell him that those were the least of my committments.
if he hears that i've been going to any meetings behind his back,
he'll withdraw me from the school immediately.
which leaves us where we started out, in costly and useless
therapy three days a week, writing depressing poetry and not getting
higher than As and Bs anyway.
i don't know what to do; i'm in a situation that involves me 150%
that i have no control over.
i have to run a somewhat important asect of the show tomorrow evening.
i have to make sure the newspaper gets done.
i'm not allowed to do either, yet it's too late to make any calls and
i'm not allowed on the computer to send any e-mails, to give Mrs.
Burns a heads up that my parents have decided to screw her out of her
job.
it's unnecessary socializing, my father says.
since he doesn't have time to see his friends or listen to music or
go to the theater, since he's spending every cent he earns on me,
neither should i.
it's a privilege i will not have earned until there are no problems
with my grades.
his logic is perfectly sound and foolproof - as soon as he bans me
from all extracurricular activities, my grades will immediately shoot
up.
i don't see why he didn't develop this plan sooner.
that way, i could have already spent the past two years coming home
at 3:15 every afternoon and getting daily athletic cuts but getting
all my work done and being in bed by 7 o'clock.
i don't question that there was fault on my part.
i am, after all,the one who muttered that my mother was a "fucking
bitch" as i was walking away from yet another conversation with her.
it was also i who suggested sarcasticaly that a plan far surpassing
that of going to a good college would be to go to a state school
where the social life is fantastic.
oh, no, wait....that wasn't me....that was mom.
yes, i did feel bad about giving her car a flat in my first 8 minutes
of driving, but she reassured me that the repair costs were alright,
i didn't have to return my new jcrew clothing to cover them.
ten minutes later, i was hit with a "we give you more than we can
afford to give."
(no confusion there, right?)
she shows up randomly at the house, somehow deduces that i'm on the
courts, accuses me of deceiving her into thinking that practice lasts
until 5 o'clock every day (it's a wednesday, mom) and tells me that
she and my father don't think there's any need for me to attend
Lawrenceville since I clearly don't care about my academic pursuits.
i just want to fuck her up - run her over with the car i'm not
allowed to drive, throw her into a burlap sack and off of a cliff,
tie her down and let angry trolls stampede her.
let's back up for a second in this prohibited car (i'm feeling kind
of numb now; saracasm is replacing my hurt and anger) - the issue of
the driving is stunningly even more logical than everything thus far,
if that's possible.
i'm not allowed to drive with mother ever, only with father if and
when he has time or desire.
he has neither.
i can buy road instruction, he tells me.
but road instruction costs money, i'm thinking in stony silence.
"you can pay for it yourself."
if i can't drive while i have my permit, that means i won't pass my
license exam.
even if i were to pass the exam, no one's buying me a car, or giving
me one of the old ones.
i'm not even allowed to use my own money for it; i'll need it for
college.
driving is my one opportunity for self-sufficiency and independence.
driving would really be the one thing i would have that was mine.
it could ease up their lives so much logistically.
but that's my mother: why be rational and sane about something when
you could just act as if you've been dropped on your head repeatedly?
i tell everyone the stories about the gas masks and trying to go out
to dinner last friday.
Shortly after september 11th, my mother inquired whether or not
Lawrenceville had readily available gas masks.
i was sure we did.
yes, but 800? enough for everyone?
probably not, mom.
she felt that this was a serious issue and grounds for concern.
it needed to be brought up with the dean,she'd make a call.
CONT'D


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