bluff before i

my life, my world, my mind, my soul
2001-10-25 10:37:44 (UTC)

roll of an insomniac...

tonight i'm playing the roll of an insomniac. it's 3:05 in
the morning and i'm wide awake because of the whole thing
of coffee i drank to stay awake. i have two papers to write
and i realized that i can't even print them out, so i
stopped writing(no ink in the printer). i saved all my
stuff on a disk just in case...okay...i lied. i bet i can
go to sleep if i tried but i have too much on my mind right
now...i am wide awake though.

i just realized that i'm the most stuborn person i know. i
always have to put the last word in, which makes it
difficult for people to like me. i have to open my big
mouth at the wrong times all the time. i dissapoint myself
so much. i want to change. i want for people to like me. to
not think that i'm annoying...

why did he have to cry? i didn't mean for that to happen, i
never wanted it to. i didn't know what to do. or what to
say. i couldn't comfort him(i don't think that he would
have wanted me to anyway). i've never been in that
situation before. i didn't know that he knew him. that he
was hurt by him. i didn't know that it would bring old
memories up...i wanted it to stop. the thoughts, i wanted
them to stop...does he still care for me?...is he
mad?...does he want to talk to me?...is he affraid that
talking to me would bring up more old memories?...it was my
fault wasn't it?

i hurt him...

the one i love

not intentionally

but i still made him hurt

i'm sad

he cried

sad sad sad

i'm sorry

i shouldn't be here...i ruin everything.

he makes me feel good about myself

and then i ruin everything

God help me

keep those old feelings away.