jillian

absent
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2001-10-25 05:49:20 (UTC)

Day 1 Feeling like shit 10/25/01

It rained last night. I like the rain. I love sleeping
through the rain. My little cat slept right by me as usual.
It's so comforting to have him by me. With the rain. I
didn't want to wake up, but do I ever. I slept clear
through the afternoon. As usual. My dad woke me four
minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I hate that. I
had it set for four o'clock, one hour before work. I
masturbated in the shower. I noticed my skin hasn't cleared
any. My mother had brought home some food for me and I ate
it. I got dressed and went to work.

Work was fine... I laughed and joked like I always do.
These people I work with, these are my co-workers. One time
I was speaking of one of the girls and I accidentally called
her my friend. I laughed and joked and complained about my
back and the horrible sewage smell in the bathroom like I
always do. I complained and I got written up and I
contested it. But what really makes me angry is how can
some one who has not been working at a job as long as i have
write me up. I have a problem with this. I was supposed to
have that position. In fact, I was almost promised the
position and I don't know why I wasn't given the position.
It's because my sales weren't as high because I wasn't
trying as hard because I couldn't care one way or the other
about my sales. I couldn't care whether I was alive or
dead. So, yes, I have a problem with her asserting her
authority over me. So you know what I did to her little 'write
up'? I tore it up. I'll spare you the details, but she
essentially was writing me up for complaining. And she told
me to leave... so maybe I'll be fired... one more thing to
put on my list...

I decided to call Andrea since she is one of two people I
talk to on the phone. I have not seen her since that awful
day... my birthday party... the most terrible day ever...
this was almost three weeks ago. Normally I see her
everyday as she is my 'best friend.' I muttered a few
phrases about what happened at work and she told me to stop
by... for all it is worth I do not want to... I do not ever
want to leave my house. But I decide that it will be good
for me and hop in my parent's '97 Saturn and drive to
Andrea's house, passing many of my Life's landmark's along
the way - so and so's house, so and so's house, the place
where i met so and so, the place where i fucked so and so...
all memories long gone... i do this every time i get in my
car... fucking pathetic... fucking pathetic... i cried on
the way to Drea's and made sure to make it look like I
hadn't been. Misty left. Gone. Phew. She moved out.
That little bitch. Gone to live with some 36 year old fat
drug dealer. Of course she didn't tell anyone where she
moved to, they had to find out from other people. Colleen
was over as she is now living with Drea and her family I soon
learned, until they move to California in April. "Are you
gonna miss us when we're gone?" sure, seeing as how you're
the only people I (if ever) go out with... seeing as how
you're two of my only 'friends'.

I'm really glad that they've been calling me for the past
three weeks... I'm equally glad that they've been hanging
out with jeff and rich, who ruined my birthday party...
(sarcasm...) I sat at Drea's house and didn't say much of
anything. I feel like I'm losing them as friends too... who
wants to be friends with me anyway... all I ever do is cry
and sleep and cry some more... I cried on the way home...
and checked if my $20 'drug money' was in my purse... I was
going to buy my sleeping pills but didn't because I was all
red faced and i had been crying... who sells mass quantities of
sleeping pills to someone in that condition...?


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