Mad Ramblings From a Blithering Idiot
All Things Eddie Haskell
...Drum roll, please...
I have finally gotten the courage to write about
what I've been hemming and hawing over for the last week.
Even the weather is cooperating, with a violent storm and a
tornado watch. Perfect for my emotions. I just got
finished watching South Park, so I have plenty of time to
write, too. Too bad Kenny died during the end credits. I
was hoping he'd stay alive. Korn parodying Scooby Doo was
nuts. That's what I love about SP. Nothing is ever sacred
with Matt and Trey. At all. I digress, as usual. And so
the phone rings...
Damnit, that was J-bug. She doesn't want her
friends to risk driving in the storm to bring her home, but
she expects me to come and get her. That little bitch.
Well, she'll just have to walk because she's not my
daughter, and I'm sick of taking responsibilty for her.
She wasn't even supposed to leave the house in the first
place, but snuck out when Mom and M went to the grocery and
I was in the shower. I'm so sick of J I could scream.
Anyway, I have a story to tell and a confession to make.
It begins with my return to from my grandparents' in July.
I believe that I have mentioned before an alleged
crush that a certain assistant manager has on me. Here is
the story of Eddie Haskell, also known as Prince Doofus,
Eager Beaver, The Chipmunk, and the Prozac King-but to most
people he's simply Josh. The day I came back, I learned
that the store had acquired a new assistant manager to
replace one that had moved to another state. I only knew
that he was young and rules-obsessed, but I didn't care
much and went about my business. The end of July marks the
beginning of "back-to-school" season, and almost a week
after my return I was taping a slew of opened panty
packages in girlswear made possible by Penny "throw it in a
buggy" Riggs. I was hot, sweaty, and oddly, according to
several associates, I was looking close to my best that
day. Not that that's relevant or anything, but...
I was struggling with old tape and uncooperative,
mismatched undies, and cursing under my breath-completely
oblivious to anything but my own activities-when all of a
sudden I heard a voice that scared the bejesus out of me.
"Hi, I don't think I've met you before."
Damn, my heart heart jumped to my throat and my
hand to my chest because the shit had nearly been scared
out of me, literally. I whirled around and said, "You
scared me!" He did, too. It's not the first time people
have sneaked up on me at work and made me jump out of my
skin. Customers, associates, management...they all seem to
have a fetish for frightening me.
"Oh, sorry!" small laugh from him. My face in
flames, I looked at him.
Handshake (his hands were cool, mine were sweaty),
followed by the usual introductions and eye contact,
produced a small conversation, two minutes at the most. He
asked me how long I'd worked there, how long in
childrenswear, etc. Then he made the mistake of asking me
if I liked working at Wal-Mart. I told him that no, I
most certainly did not. I also told him that I didn't
intend on spending my life here; that I had aspirations.
He remarked on my honesty; I replied-looking him straight
in the eye-that I was indeed brutally honest. I smiled and
then he said goodbye and left. I felt triumph-I had
hopefully made the first impression I was aiming for (tough
girl-I didn't want him patronizing me the way the rest of
them do). However, I've found that was futile. I think my
embarassment, my bad mood because of my messy department,
and the fact that I had been startled severely botched the
meeting. I did tell him the truth, though. I do have
aspirations and I am a brutally honest person.
When I went to the fitting room later that night,
Penny remarked that she thought Josh liked me. My first
reaction was "What?! Are you insane? We met for a whole
two minutes, you ninny!" But she maintained that she
thought it was true. I dismissed it because P's known to
be a shit-stirrer, and how did she know we'd met, anyway?
It was before I'd even told her. I ignored several remarks
by fellow softlines people-the teasing began from that day
forward-but I always thought they were hokey until a few
days ago; it was the day I wrecked my car, actually. Like
I just mentioned, I never believed the jokes until that
day, when something happened that made me think otherwise.
But before I tell that little tale, I'm going to list past
events that I ignored and should have registered as
evidence. Here are the clues of the alleged crush:
1.) Susan told me one day in late August (before
she came back to second shift, she was working late that
afternoon) that several dayshift people, including
department managers and hard lines associates, had noticed
that he had a thing for me. Now, I thought that she was
teasing because a.) She said that during a "let's tease
Kerry about Josh" session; and b.) I hadn't worked
dayshifts since before Josh came to the store, so how would
they notice anything like that? I asked her about it, and
she said they just have been seeing things. I rolled my
eyes and replied, "Okay, whatever."
2.) Another time, I'd say about a week or so
later, Mel and I were in the front of Infants and Girlswear
zoning and BC and J walk up and ask us how things were
going. I had been having a bad day, as usual, and I told
BC that I had a new job and I might be quitting soon.
(Now, I still do have that job lined up; but I won't get it
until at least the first of the year now, because Uncle
John has had to lay off people due to the recession,
therefore no employment yet at OSCO. All this happened
during the "lost summer months" before I really began
keeping up with this journal.) Anyhoo, after I told them
this, they were pretty surprised. I told them that I might
still work here a few days a week, though. J then said in
this funny voice, "Well, we wouldn't want to lose you,
since you're such a good zoner and all."
I murmured an "Uh, thanks." and went back to work.
M still had to talk to BC about her schedule or something,
so they stayed and chatted with her. Out of the corner of
my eye, I caught J looking at me, but I turned around and
finished fixing the rack I'd been working. After they
left, Mel came up to me and said in this hushed, excited
voice, "Kerry, he was staring at you. And I mean staring.
With this puppy love look on his face!"
"Here we go again," I thought. I said,
however, "Really? No way."
"Yes, I swear to God, he was looking at you. No
My next thought, "Oh, shit."
I then believed that he did have some kind of goofy
liking for me, so I became sort of mean and more sarcastic
than usual towards him, in instances such as...
3.) People say "What's up?" a lot. He's one of
those people. Well, after I'd known him a few weeks (this
was before the previous instance) he happened to ask me
that question, to which I replied with the answer I always
use, "The sky." He looked at me funny, and didn't ask me
that question for a while. He asked it again one day, and
I gave him the same answer. Then once, when I was in a
really bitchy mood, I told him when he asked me, "The sky,
sun, moon, ceiling...don't you know better than to ask me
that question by now?"
He laughed and said, "I just like to hear you say
Then, one day when soft lines was really
shorthanded, I had to answer the phone and operate the
fitting room. He came by and asked, "Hey, Kerry, what's
I had been writing something on a piece of paper
and unconsciously replied, "The sky." Then I just gave him
this questioning look. He sort of laughed and said, "You
know I just like to hear you say that. Your sarcasm helps
me get through the day." To which I laughed and he said
goodbye and left. But in my head, warning bells were
ringing. I forgot about this incident, however, until a
few days ago. Since then, he's told me that (or something
close in meaning to it) several times.
4.) Due to the last two instances, plus the fact
that back to school season was about to kill me, I was mean
to nearly everyone I encountered. I was sarcastic to him
on more than one occasion. I thought that maybe my little
bouts of bitchiness would put an end to any romantic
feelings he may have been harboring. However, I was
wrong. My negativity has had the adverse effect. D told
me the other day while we were discussing him that he
probably liked me because I was a challenge. Unlike some
other female associates, who quasi-flirt with him and
Kortney, who calls him honey, I present something
completely different. I put my head in my hands that night
because nothing was going to stop this thing, heh. Anyway,
5.) He was the closing management the night of the
bomb threat a couple of weeks ago. He handled things very
well, and apparently, so did I. He told S that he was
proud of me for keeping my temper during all of the
shorthanded frenzy of that night. Then he goes on to have
an associate meeting later that evening and says that to
everyone! S had a field day with that one, heh.
And now on to little things he does, not so much
6.) He always smiles at me, or has this unreadable
look on his face. Other times, he ignores me. Or, to be
more specific, we ignore each other because we're busy.
7.) When he did talk to me, he always leaned
forward on a rack and seemed engrossed in what I was saying.
8.) Sometimes he teases me incessantly, whether
it's about my driving skills, trying on every hat in the
store, or taking off my shoes and working in socks when my
9.) I had a really shitty, unfair schedule. I
talked to BC, BS, RR, and a few others, and nothing
changed. I talked to him about it one day, and he said
he'd talk to BC about it. I didn't think anything would
come of it, since BS and RR said they'd talk to BC as well
and nothing happened. But sure enough, I got a plush
schedule when the next one came out. Too bad I couldn't
work it because I went to shoes the day it became
effective. I still appreciate his effort, though. I just
remembered that he told me afterwards that he'd talked to
BC. How sweet of him.
10.) And lastly, he seemed really disappointed
when I told him that I was switching to the shoe
department. This happened last Thursday, the day I wrecked
my car and the events that hit home occurred. Of course,
he looked disappointed as he was leaning forward on a rack
talking to me and had just had a smile on his face...
Okay, it's time for some shut-eye. I've written quite
enough and I can finish this story tomorrow. Foreshadowing
is always good, no? Only if one has an audience, heh. But
if my audience is only myself reminiscing in the future,
that's all right. Until tomorrow I remain the unwilling
object of Eddie Haskell's affection; the teased and