Infiniterocker

breathe

Today was the usual. I woke up. I went to school. I drove
around with Katy and Naomi. We ran Katy's errands. The only
difference is the fact that I was so tired. I mean I'm
always tired. But not like this. I live in a dream. not
figuratively speaking...literally. I live in a fucking
dream. I am so tired. I was driving around in Naomi's car
today...and I kept looking out the window and getting
flashes of my childhood. Places that the things we were
driving past resembled. I imagined ..this must be similar
to what they tell you in Alcoholics Anonymous. They
say...that even after you're sober...even for long periods
of time..you will have what they call instances where you
are a "dry drunk" ....chemicals are released in your
brain...and basically it's as if you were drunk...even
though you're not *obviously* ...Well it was like that.
We'd be driving down a curve in the road that resembled one
in Philadelphia and I'd think of a random typical time I
was driving in the back-seat of the subaru (spelling???)
with my Mom and Dad in the front and Ian next to me asleep
and drooling. My whole day consisted of those flashes.
Today after school I was walking with Alex and Katy..I was
telling them how annoying it is to live here because it's
inconvenient ..we didn't have a ride and so we went back in
the school..and I thought if I was in Philadelphia...if I
was in IL....If I was in any fucking city we could at least
walk to like a coffee shop or something. Not here
though...we have access to NOTHING here..and Katy's all
like..."Kelly there are other places that are
inconvenient ..look at Plano" and it's like have you
listened to me at all?! I'm not that FUCKING oblivious. I
hate it when my friends treat me like I couldn't possibly
understand IDEA of what they're talking about. It's like do
you actually connect with me at all? Is this all a *lets
pretend* game? I hate the fact that I'm so disconnected.
Sometimes I don't understand why I leave my house. I feel
like I've lost touch with everything.
It's like the tarot card the fool. I'm standing still. No
choice but to stay there. Or at least in my ignorant mind.
I keep thinking...how I need to be set free....
think think think think
That is all I do.
Nothing is real anymore.
No love.
Jason came over today.
I'm so afraid.
I've asked to be fucked in the ass..he's done it
once..he'll do it again..I always end up being screwed
over...
Maybe I am obsessed with self destruction and I don't know
it.
That would make sense.
I'm a hypocrite.
I said I wouldn't let myself fall.
I think I'm falling.
Fuck it.