Life as I know it.
2001-10-25 02:12:54 (UTC)

Prove me wrong

This is an email I sent Matt today cause im sick of
tihs...th leeter explains it all.


Just cause I IM you doesnt mean that im
like "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh my ex boyfriend how i love him" IM
people just to say Hi all the time, im nice like that. And
you know what I notice, I always initialize the
conversation, except when you want sex. And I finally
thought it was nice, that I could actually stay in contact
with an ex, cause how often does that happen? With me,
never. ANd I know things will never be the same, n ever,
and as much as you say we will never work out, i know its
cause you dont want to be with me cause you dont want your
friends to even know about me, that is pretty shitty Matt.
You were the one who told me "who cares what people think"
obviously you do. And I care what you think too, which
makes me pretty dumb. And I never said I would be second
choice, but I always was to you, but you never were to me.
And since this is the official goodbye email (cause i cant
do this to myself anymore matt, my heart cant take this
anymore, I guess its time for me to tell you somethings
that have been going thru my mind.

Obviously you know i have been dating other people, well if
you didnt know, now you know, nothing serious or anything
but casually dating...and the reason I cant get serious
about any of them is that im still hung up on you, which is
another reason I need to say goodbye, cause I cant move on
further with anyone until I move on with you.

Oh the whole month of September i thought i was
pregnant...couldnt tell you that one. I wasnt, dont
worry. ANother reason I have to say goodbye, if I got
pregnant with your kid (and i didnt sleep with anyone else)
that would really suck cause hey, i'd like the father of my
child to be someone who was willing to be with me, in all
aspects of life. I cried matt, the whole month I just
fucking cried, but you didnt know that, even when i slept
with you I put up the false front like everything was
okay...do you know how alone I felt? Probably not.

I still think of you every day, every fucking day, and I
know as much as we talk about this working out, if it
could, that until you can really truly call me a friend, a
true friend, that we dont stand a chance of ever being
together, I give myself to you 100 percent Matt, and its
not fair. You know I would do anything for you. But I
honestly dont know what you would ever do for me?

And I so hate writing this during this time (I remember
matt, 6 years believe me I remember) but its to the point
where i was back when we first broke up. I still love you
with my whole fucking heart, and believe me as much as I
want to despise you, I just cant. And it just sucks that I
cant be with you the way I want to be, but you can still be
with me in a way you want to be. And I know things are
never going to be how i want them to be, hey i got to be
with you when you were madly in love with me and wanted to
be with me forever--you gave me undivided attention, and I
know no matter waht I do, Ill never have that again, nor do
I expect to ever have that again.

and im just sick of living like this, in doubt, in hope, in
jealousy...its killing me matt, i just dont let you know
how much it is. Cause I feel that I have to walk on
eggshells not to make you upset with me, and it sucks,
cause I cannot tell you anything IM thinking without us
having a huge fight or fear of you never talking to me
agian. Cause I do love you, I fucking do love you, and so
thats why this email needs to be written.

Im sick of the games, im sick of being there for you but
you never there for me, im sick of all of this. When I
said I wanted to get back together, I meant it a hundred
percent, I was willing to do whatever it took....but you
said "we just wouldnt work" thats your opinion, and
opininons are hard to change, so im not even going to try
to change your mind, im giving you the out. From this day
on, if you want to talk to me, to really try to be my
friend or what have you, its all on you. Not me. I have
made all the efforts I could. My friends who know that i
kinda do still talk to you told me i was dumb, that why
would I ever put muyself thru this hell, but all i told
them was "im in love, what can i say?" And as much as this
is hurting me, i just needed to tell you these things. And
if I dont hear from you cool, i know I can move on
completely 100 percent maybe actually find a guy who wants
to be with me, maybe someone else I can be madly in love
with. If I do hear from you, well we will see what