Sweet Child

Sweet Life
2001-10-25 01:42:09 (UTC)

torn

Sometimes, there's that ONE thing. That thing you wake up
for in the morning. That thing where you are confident that
this is right for you. Not like a guy but a thing.
Something that you can do everyday. While doing this thing,
it's like no one or nothing else matters. You totally
forget about everything. It's just you, doing that thing.
Through this thing you can express yourself. You can be
someone else. You can see a different perspective. A
different view on things. You don't HAVE to be yourself.
You can be anyone or anything you want. Imagine. This one
thing you love doing. Think about how much it means to you.
This is what gets you motivated. This is what gets you
going. How wonderful huh?

Now, imagine that one thing being taken away from you. This
one thing you could have counted on to always be there for
you. It would be there for you for the rest of your life.
Then you find out that the person who you are suppose to
love the most, your mom, tells you that you won't be doing
that for the rest of your life. She has always told you it
was just a dream. That you needed something else. Perhaps
something that she would have liked for herself. Then,
hearing that, it makes you want to be more successful at
that than ever. It makes you want to try harder. So you do
just that. Then, to find out that this woman you call
mother just went father than you ever imagined, to make
sure that wouldn't happen. You feel drained. Like the life
& blood as been drained out of you. You are now nothing.
You have no more reason. You are back to what you used to
be before you realized this was for you. Nothing. You no
longer know why you wake up in the morning. You are a
walking zombie who just wants to go back. Lifeless, empty &
without reason. Finally after having but a few drops of
life left in you, you tell yourself, I can't promiss the
future, but I can promiss now.

After now having the life drained out of you & promissing
if you can't have the future you will work harder to have
now, the worst part comes. You are doing what you love
best. You love it so much, you want to be the best. You
want to show your love for it by doing just that. Before
you begin to do this, you are nervous. Scared & shaking.
Your knees are trembling & you can hardly stand. You feel
you are going to pass out. Your stomach is turning but you
refuse to let any of that stop you. You like this feeling
because you know that you will enjoy every second of what
you do. Then you are up there. Things seen to be going
okay. Things are going pretty smoothly. Then, a line is
forgotten. Your partner begs you for help. There is nothing
you can think of. You are not good at this. Not thinking of
things on the spot. Good a lying, but not like this. You
don't know what to do. You try to hint to your partner what
is next. Nothing happens. You are up there. You want to
leave. You want to run away & change your name. Finally
your partner comes up with something. Almost completely
different from what was suppose to happen. You have to work
with what you were given. You try but it's just too hard.
Everything begins to look blank. All you can think of is
finding a way to end it. Finally it is over. With more than
half of what was suppose to happen gone. You come down,
trying harder than ever to hold in those tears. Tears that
you never knew existed in you because they are so painful.
Glad it's over, until, you realize what just happened. You
are humiliated. Everthing was screwed up. You can't blame
anyone because now you see what you could have done. It's
too late. It's over now. Now that one thing that you had
every moment of now, to look forward to, is gone. You
realize that you can't do it. It isn't for you. It's not
you. It's wrong. Everything that you have dreamed is wrong.
You feel afraid, not knowing what will happen next.
Confused, trying to just clear your mind. Afraid again, you
don't know what you have now. You again have nothing or no
one. Your heart hasn't been just torn apart, it has been
ripped out. There is now nothing but huge hole in you. It's
now filled with hate, anger, rage, disapointment, sadness,
turmiol & death. You don't even feel alive. Everything is
blurry. Hazzy, like walking through a dark fog. Lifeless.
You no longer have now.