Reality Check
2001-10-24 23:57:03 (UTC)

Losing him

okay, i had to go earlier cause mom got home. she's still
here, bugging the crap out of me, but i can still right.
aight, you know how before when i said jimmy was mad about
the me not going to church with him thing. well, that's one
of many of our problems. he never calls me, unless he wants
something. he's always flirting with somebody, which usually
don't bother me except lately he's been flirting with
stephanie. i couldn't go on the last field meet but when i
went to school the day after it all of my friends said he
was flirting majorly with her. so now, i feel like i can't
trust him. and when i asked him about it he got mad and
stormed off. we fight a lot. we have this grasp between
our hearts. i felt like it would hold us together forever.
but each day it's like that grasp is loosening. i really
don't want to lose him. I still see him flirt with
stephanie. he flirts with other girls, but i know that
they're not his type. i think that stephanie's prettier than
me, and when i see him flirt with her i feel threatened,
because i know she could take my place any time. it's like,
when i'm thinking about him, i start to wonder if he's
thinking about me too, or another girl. it's like, i feel
now i have to cancel all of my plans to go on the field
meets because i don't feel that i can trust him. i still see
him flirt with her, but whenever pansy or someone says
something about it, i just laugh it off and say i trust him.
but i don't. and i know that's bad. before when i talked
about him flirting with ashley, he was just like, "it's part
of my personality. it doesn't mean anything." if it doesn't
mean anything, then what's the point of doing it. i flirt
with guys when it doesn't mean anything, but not when i'm in
a serious relationship. pansy gets really upset when he
flirts. she says she doesn't like to see me upset and gettin
played like that. she's always on his case about it. she
said next time she yells at him for flirting, then she's
going to tell him how it makes me feel. i don't want her
too. usually i speak my mind and i'm never shy, but i feel
that if i say anything like i'm asking him to stop, he'll
think i'm trying to control him and he'll get mad or
something and i'll lose him and i really don't want that.
sometimes i think about breaking up with him, but i look at
steven and bird, and it's like looking at a reflection of me
and jimmy. and i see them, and i see what me and jimmy
have... not that i didn't know that already. but it's like,
what we have is special. i really love him. and i don't want
to get rid of him over a few fights. i don't know. Fred's
trying to help me out. he understands where i'm coming from,
but then he understands where jimmy's comin from too, since
he's a guy and everything. saturday we have the chapel hill
field meet. all of us are going....stephanie, pansy, jimmy,
fred, the whole crew. i guess we'll see what happens. i just
can't take it anymore. lol, it's hard for me to keep my
mouth shut when i have really strong feelings about
something, and i'm scared that if he smiles at her or
tickles her one more time, i'm going to go off and it'll be
over. i don't know. i guess the only word to describe
everything is fear. i'm scared of losing him. no matter how
much of a country/redneckish, immature, big baby he is, he's
my big baby. all of his faults are the things that i love. i
love it when he plays a country song out on the radio for
me, and when he whispers sweet romantic things in my ear,
and when he acts stupid and then looks pitiful when i yell
at him about how stupid he's acting. he's jimmy...my baby.