my so called life
2001-10-24 23:16:17 (UTC)

Will I ?

Lonely times and lonely tears
Will fade away when you disappear
The time is right for me to stray
I'm gonna find a better day


Sorry about not writing
If I don't write for a while, it gets harder and harder to
write.. I feel there's so much I have to say and I don't
know where to start, so I don't start at all.
I'll just tell you some of the highlights.
I've been very happy these last three weeks (most of the
time anyway), but the last two days I've been kind of sad.
In my previous entry I kind of ranted on with all my
problems, and that helped me. It was good for me to write
my thoughts down. I got some advice from people who read
the entry, thank you for being so nice. I've tried to stand
more up for myself lately and it has had some consequences.
First of all, things are NOT good between me and Tom. He
din't like this new don't-use-me philosophy of mine. I ran
into him at the club, we hugged, talked and smiled and I
walked away. He wanted me to stay. Later the same night I
saw him again, this time holding his girlfriend. Everytime
I see her, it brings me back to reality. After the club
closed, I was standing outside with Ben and some other
people. Tom phoned from like 20 meters away and then came
over. I kind of ignored him (not really, I was just not
very friendly and stood really close to Ben ) and after a
while he left. When I was on my way home, I got a message
from him. "It seems like you're upset with me. I'm sorry
for being so pushy" I replied something like Sometimes I
get sick of you. That's just the way it is.
He replied "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again".
He doesn't understand at all. Then a week later I got a
message saying "I've been a good boy not bothering you
lately" I was like, oh, you ARE clueless!
I replied "that wasn't really what I ment, but never mind"
I talked to him online a few days ago. It was something
like this :
Me: I hear you told Steve I'm angry with you.. I'm not
Tom : Hum, I dunno, seems like you are
Me: I guess you could say I'm a little upset with you.. I'm
sick of you always expecting me to be there for you
whenever you need me. I can't always be there for you when
you're never there for me.
Tom : That's the way you feel?
Tom : I can never imagine myself being that selfish
Me : Well, that's just the way I feel..
Tom : It doesn't sound like me at all
Tom : Usually I'm very shy
Me : Well, I mostly deal with you when you've been drinking
and then you're everything but shy
Tom : I'm sorry for the way things have turned out and I'm
sorry that I'm so pushy when I've been drinking
Me : Most of the time I think you're fun, but sometimes
you're just too much
Tom : Well, yeah, I'm gonna stop drinking, so you won't
have to deal with me for a while

He didn't understand at all
Note to self : Just because you tell a guy what's wrong,
doesn't mean he understands what the problem is

Ok, other consequences of my new don't-use-me philosophy..
My friends have been shocked. Lucy didn't like it. Not Lisa
Yeah, well.. I don't care
Steve was home last week, seeing him again was nice
I guess I've missed him, maybe unconsciously.

Oh Ben
Why do you keep confusing me?
Saturday kiss me, Monday ignore me, Tuesday make me jealous
and Wednesday make me go crazy

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...