My problems.
2001-10-24 19:30:21 (UTC)

Life Is Getting Worse.

Things are going downhill in my life. Sadly enough the
person that I really do love broke up with me, and for
bizzare reasons, reasons that I would only understand.
I won't go into these reasons because it is personal. I
saw her this morning at school and it seemed as
though our conversation last night had no affect on her.
BUT the thing is she told me last night she wears,
"masks," to hide her true self because I guess nobody
but me knows who she is.

Now you'd think she would be a tiny bit upset that we
broke up. I'll tell you right now it didn't seem like it at all.
She flirted with everysingle person she possibly could i
swear. You have no idea how bad I felt inside. It was
like somoene was taking a sharp shart blade and
gouging it farther and farther into my chest. I watched
her helplessly knowning that there was nothing i could

I felt really bad so I decided to write her a letter about
how i felt. I wrote that I would always care about her
and that I will always be her friend no matter what. It
was a really emotional letter and you would think she
would be nice to write something back. Unfortunetly I
was wrong.

I saw her later that day and gave her the letter. I'm not
sure if she read it or not but at the end of the day I saw
her again in our last period class. She acted so mean
in the class to me and its because she is always like
that. I always complain that I get no appreciation and
her and her best friend always tell me to shut up. But
today it felt different. Today it really hurt my feelings.

So during the period I asked if she had written back to
me. She ripped out a piece of notebook paper and
started to write on it. You'd think she would write
something nice. Boy was I wrong. She bascially wrote
telling me to, "Shut up," and to stop flirting with this guy
that sits next to me. I am not gay. Not in the slightest
way. I really thought that was mean and it hurt my
feelings a lot. I told her that I would show her that letter
in May and she then told me that she would spit at it.
How mean can you possibly get?

I am really confused and at a loss for words. I wrote a
poem today about our relationship and I guess I will
share it with you...


I am so in love with her,
And yet I don't know what to do.
We were once going out,
But now thats through.

I love her so much,
Yet theres nothing I can do.
I was filled with happiness when we were a couple,
But now I feel so blue.

I will always be here for her,
No matter what.
And I feel as though
She doesn't even care.

Why is it
That in this day and age
Guys can't express emotions
Without being shut down?

My life is out of control
And I am all alone.
No one really understand me
My life is in shambles

What do i do?


Now I am going to tell you something horrible about my
life. I have a pretty bad social disorder and not a lot of
people actually now about it. I am a pretty shy guy,
pretty shy indeed.

Eversince I could remember I had a problem with
rejection. No matter how I would act towards a girl, no
matter how nice I was to her or how much I showed her
I cared she always rejected me. This problem extends
farther then just grils though. It goes so far that I have
problems talking to people in fast food places or
restaurants. I am always afraid that I will be rejected
and told no. I don't exactly know why but this fear is
killing me inside.

I would have done so much more then I did with the girl
of my dreams but the truth inside is that I was afriad.
Afraid that she wouldn't like, afraid that she would run
away. I am so afraid inside and the fact of the matter is
no one actually knows.


Alas, my life is getting worse, worse as the days go on.
Everything seemed to be going perfect those six days
me and her went out. Everything was perfect, I know it
was. But it wasn't perfect to her. It wasn't perfect at all.

I am at a compete loss for words and my life is
begining to dwendle before my very eyes. I never
thought my worse nightmare could come true. But it
has, and the problem now is that I have to deal with it.
How will I?