Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
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2001-10-24 18:50:14 (UTC)


I had a lovely mini-breakdown in Lit today. We were supposed to
be underlining imagery in a poem, and I was staring at it,
trying to figure out where the hell the imagery was, and
mrs. C was like "are you done?", and I did that lovely
thing where you open your mouth, and nothing comes out but
a pitiful little "uah" sound, and she siad
sarcastically "Do you not see any imagery?", and I
went "No, I dont't I..." and I started crying, literally
sobbing. And I couldn't stop. For a while, I was crying
so hard that my throat was closing up, and I would have to
make myself stop, and gasp for breath, and my whole body
would shudder. It wasn't until I got really absorbed in my
calculus extra credit quiz that I was able to get control
of myself, over an hour later. I'm not even totally sure what was
wrong; it's just a lot of things, and I really didn't need that right
then. I can't even really explain... it would sound really
snivelly and complainy if I tried... I guess it's just a
lot of little stuff. And also the fact that I'm usually
very good at hiding my emotions. Or not even so much hide,
as continue normally, in spite of. I'm always the one
who'se laughing and joking and smiling, and that's who I
am, but it's not all of me. And normally I'm someone that
people talk to, and I'm a really good listener, but lately
I've been like "tough, deal with it, everybody has problem,
but you don't hear them whining about it"... and I don't,
whine, that is (well, obviously i whine in my diary, but that's not
really the same thing). I may complain about things, but its
always in a lighthearted, jokey way. Lately I just haven't
been able to deal with other people's shit. I have plenty
of my own.

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