May

hi.. gee! who am I realy..

hi..
gee! who am I realy writing to?! to me?!.. to "my
diary"?! .. do I actually wanna be peeped by outsiders?!
I dunno..

what am I gonna write about?! gee... sex! I didnt read yet
what others wrote but I bet it's mostly sex. otherwise they
are lying to them selves about how much they think about it.
and.. people.. relationships..
and.. weird thoughts that I simply couldnt find a cheap
shrink to tell him that..
yeah! those thoughts mostly. how about the house-
speciality?! weird thoughts about sex!!

anyway! I love to write. I used to write short stories. did
some comics. now, I write notes. "TODO" stuff. yep, I
started working too. like everyone else but from some
reason I feel that the thoughts in my head are defenetly
not as everyone else. too creepy..
but we'll get to that later.

by the way, I'm 20 , single (not for long), not rich, good
looking( I guess I realy wanted/needed to say that..I see
no relevance..). I'm .. I'm me.
I'm the analyzer! I analyze situations, people, feelings,
thoughts, words, phrases, conversations, looks..
but it's tiring. so fucken tiring to analyze all the time.
think think think think.. just "being" is much more easier.
analyzing causes paranoias. you can find so many options
to "why she said that".

just getting used to writing again. OH! but I do write
sometimes!! ON notes! sometimes, usually after a good
joint, when I'm slightly stoned I write again. short lines,
short stories, stupid ideas, describing feelings which I
dont know if they are hidden or that on that moment I sense
them more vividly.

you know what?! here's somethings from yesterday's joint
(just a little puff..). actually it just a few lines
because most of it is about two girls I met and.. YOU
SHOULDNT SHOVE YOUR NOSE TO THEIR BUSNESS!!!
but to what's only mine , you can shove alright.. so:
Making love... opens you up because first you show yourself
without the phisical shields. important but not very. what
does matter is that while you are making
love/sleeping/fucking or what ever you are doing or calling
it, at that moment in time, you are alone. you are the
only. you are the entire fucken world!! because you are not
thinking. analyzing. so you dont "know" about no one but
each other. that's what makes you strong and that's why
people love/sleeping/fucking or what ever you are calling
it. not a biological impulse. a spiritual need. a pure one.
making love in groups is good also if there is no
competition on the attention of the involved. hard for the
human nature.

well.. that was sooooo deep.. NOT! well.. you cant make
the trick always work!
the real good stuff was not that cheap contemplating shit!
the good stuff was about the two girls. I was analyzing my
feelings and the situation in which I was yesterday.

ok.. gotta go..