kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2001-10-24 08:37:04 (UTC)

Why is life so messed up?

I am in such a down mood right now. I'm chatting with John
still, but it's not helping me. I miss Grandma S. so much
right now. I'm about to cry. I still have 22 days until
the one year marker of her death. I have decided to go home
on the 9th. I need to see both of my Grandmas and my Great
Aunt. I miss them so much. It's hard to live knowing that
they're gone. I think I'm gonna cry right now.

I hope I don't break down in tears if John calls or
something. I don't want to worry him too much... Then
again maybe he sould be worried...

I hope that I'll be ok. It will be good to visit them since
I haven't seen Grandma S. since we burried her. I've gone
to visit Grandma B. and my Great Aunt a few times over the
summer. They're in the same cemetary, but Grandma S. isn't.
I need to look up my Great Grandma and Grandpa B. too.
They're where Grandma and Grandpa S. and Great Grandma D.
is. I didn't get to meet my mother's grandparents. Not
really at least. My Grandma's mother died shortly after I
was born. There are pictures of her with me, but that's it.

How come life is so short? I wish I could live forever.
Well, at least a really long time. I want to see what the
world will be like when my grand children are 21 like I am
now. Will they be sitting at their computer (or whatever
they have by then) and write in a diary? Will they be as
confused as I am? I hope they have a good life. I want
them to have a much better life than I have. My life hasn't
been too bad, but the last bit of it has really sucked! I
don't know why I'm so upset, worried and or mad this past
year. I know the cause, but not quite why the feelings come
and go so often. I'm fine on day and the next I'm on the
verge of going nuts. I want to find a happy medium!

Maybe John can be my happy medium or at least help me find
it. There are times when I think I need professional help
or something...I don't know what to do with myself.

I know I'm in school to get a good job and I'm really liking
my classes this quarter, but I don't totally want to be
here. I want to be out in the world working. I can't just
jump into a Graphic Design job though... I need the
education so I can make the money to get through life and
then retire as soon as possible. When I get a job I'm gonna
save up everything I possibly can to retire on. The second
I have enough I'll quit my job and drop out of society for a
bit...that would be nice. I wish I could drop out of life's
responsibilites for a bit right now and then re-join life


That's how I feel right now!