A Crazy Persons Thoughts
2001-10-24 08:17:37 (UTC)

it wasn't like i thought it would be

well, to be honest, i dont know what i expected. for some
reason, it just didn't go the way i wanted. i kept getting
this feeling that i was doing something wrong. and i kept
looking at myself, and saying, is this really me? am i this
superficial and stupid? in a way, it made me feel worse.
Sabrina was nice and everything. she used that voice, "and
how did that make you feel?" like shit. but i cant say
that. and it's hard when it's a christian place, because
they look down on you when you cuss and stuff. well,
sometimes i feel like cussing. i feel like hiting and
crying. im so angry, but i cant convey that without looking
like an absolute idiot. Is that what i am? I am a smart
person. i just hate homework. it brings me down. or maybe,
not doing it brings me down. Whatever. im supose to be
doing it right now.
Why does he have to be so damn suportive? why cant he be
like every other guy and not care? i cant have him, i know.
but he doesn't realize how great our relationship is. i
dont know what i would do without him. especially with
jessica gone.
i miss jess like crazy. and it's only been one day. what is
it going to be like next year? will this be me everyday? i
have so many questions, and im so scared because i have
this feeling that life isn't going to turn out the way i
want, or think that it might. Do i have a chance at a
normal life? did i screw it up too much in high school? i
am going to hate going to pcc. how embarasing. At my
Maranatha, pcc is the poorman's school and the
underachiever's school. Ill aply to APU, but i dont think
that it's going to happen. My grades are too bad.
I wish i had the option of going to Fuller or somewhere
like that. How wonderfull that would be. I would love to go
to Fuller. Imagine me, at a good school like that. Why is
it that im not good enough for things? what about me makes
me inferior to everyone else? am i a bad person because i
dont study the way i should? if i could do it all over
again, i would. i would start right from the begining and
be who everyone wants me to be. i just dont want to be
Mr Zambrano is great. he was genuenly concerned with me.
how is it that some teacher's know when to stop being
teachers, and other's dont. i think i scared Mr Erikson
today. I was crying almost all of chemistry. I dont know if
crystal noticed or not. she was sitting next to me, but
i've gotten pretty good at hiding my tears.
sometimes i wish that i could just cry. not worry about
what people think. just cry in my friends arms, and be
comforted for once.