g ir l nex t d o or

Fire Lillies H2O
2001-10-24 06:09:18 (UTC)

day after day

I can't understand how one can carry on a life that they
find is empty from the other half. Or,even worse, simply
just out of reach, just a little too far.

That ridiculous movie...put me off a little. I wanted so
bad to go see it with my friend, and it only made that
singular cosmic flaw, the one thing that will always make
every relationship fail...that the guy won't be him...and
the worse fear is that HE may not even the He that he once
was...I mean that bit that was me at 18 is gone, ar at
least heavily tarnished, but here I sit at 22 and I am wiht
my life in my hands. I feel the need to live the silliness
and happy accidents in it blissfully, but at the same time,
I find myself needing to pay the credit debts off and even
more so to kill off the school debts before more come...I
want to jump up and leave it all while still needing a
solid ground...a place I can stand comfortably without loss.

That pains me.

I just feel that I will be alone for awhile becasue no one
can ever match up to that...I mean how can they? The good
runs across the bad like ocean tides and beach...Taking it
away and putting it back so differently...how?

I don't even know how to reason this. The worst part is
when I feel alone in the beauty of what it
was...Still...it's not as bad as being commited to the
relationship..that is impossible...that pain daily...every
missed letter is nail in the coffin...

Then again seeing again...how could the 18 year old girl
creeping about in my heart even imagine disentangling her
fingers from his hair...how hard that would be. How she did
it in the first place...unimaginable...she didn't even
recognize the bit that she was letting go ...she couldn't
and still think...
She really wishes to put on her anti gravity boots
again...to let go of this...how she would fall. Right
through the floor, I swear...
Usually I start to feel better by now when writing...

Then Dan...I feel so like he's my twin...not a partner, but
twin like we are halves of the same person...like smoosh us
all together and the world would finally see this one
person...or our bits got all mixed up and somehow they
should be parts of another two people...I feel kinda guilty
and then mixed up when we are together... I wish that
sexual line was never crossed becasue then we would have
such a nice bro-sister thing...he's very much family to me.
I fucked with fate and now I feel fucked over...like it
should never be too late, but it is...for me at least, but
I can't be negative like that...I have too much time left.
I really just need to keep going and feeling it all out...I
can SO do this...all of it. I get worried sometimes, I
guess, but I really shouldn't. It will all be good.

I need more to do, and more money...I better get looking...
I don't know what I need t be doing but teaching right now
sounds good. Or at least the summers off and benefits...I
just need to pay the bills...I so need to pay the "bills."
Oh, my my...
Job, pay bills, buy tickets to travel the world...oh,
classes first for language...I wonder who offers
Portuguese, Italian, French, and remedial Spanish...I would
love to take that again...that would be good... Art classes
and social awareness would be good...

I need to go look for more...

I so wish for simplicity , but desire everything t be
complicated. I feel anxious...so not good. I am off my
game...I need to go workout tomorrow...I think that will
burn off the rest...

I am gonna go cruise the internet, and then hit the bed...I
need some solid sleep...
so that I won't be so sleepy.

Love,
gnd