once again
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2001-10-24 04:58:37 (UTC)

in the words of a broken heart

The last time we talked was Sunday morning the last day he
was to do the floors. He promised that he would call as
soon as he got off work so then I would have his Cell phone
number. He never did. I even gave him my work number so
if it was late and he wanted to talk to me, he could. He
was doing so well last week. He called so much and even
called once before leaving at night to have Patricia tell
me that he said goodnight and he loved me. Then we're back
to broken promises. Amica tells me that I am so strong for
doing everything that I am, but why don't I feel it? My
heart is crumbling the more I can't hear his voice, I can't
keep it together very well anymore. I don't know how to
function on a day-to-day basis. My mind wanders all the
time, whether I am driving or whatnot. I'm back to
spending money again and I have alot of bills to be paid
before I goto Florida in a month. I'm more than sure I'll
be able to have them paid, but I just won't have any money
to go there with. It's true, alright. I'm going just to
see Shawn, but he's fucking up again. What the hell...he
began gaining so much from me again and with him doing this
to me, I'm going crazy. I worry if he's found someone else
and this is his big chance to not talk to me and then whe I
go he can say that the distance thing failed when I'm
putting every ounce of strength that I have in my heart to
do this. I feel completely emotionally drained. I'm on
this stupid diet for him so that he can see me the way I
used to be, not 20 lbs heavier. All I want is for him to
call, or atleast come home from work and have a letter from
him sitting on my dresser...but I ask too much I guess.
When I came home Sunday he did have someone email me to let
me know that he misses me, loves me, and says goodnight.
Too bad I didn't know who it was. Who knows, i could just
be jumping to conclusions and I'll probably get a phone
call saying that his phone was never hooked up. I won't
believe it...too convenient.