ek_shaks' Diary
2001-10-24 03:58:23 (UTC)

happy am I?

haha..haha..u never know how things happen..u never know
how ur mood will change..everyone knows it ..yet..its just
a mystery to be felt n enjoyed..
so when i was finisshing my day with same thoughts of
dropping my advisor..talking to someone else..mailing
someone else..for discussion..and it was late ..cos i had
to submit that damn homework tommorrow..(stochastic
processes..not that i hate it.! gimme somethin real man)
..and he dropped by with "how's going ..n?" yah..goping..i
read that..struggled with that..looking forward to
that..what do u think about that? ..hmm hmm..just when he
was moving out..i said u know i was a bit upset after the
meeting..and i went ahead to throw venom at him..quite
under control though..i feel like ur pressing me..to which
he replies..i'm pressing everyone including myself..and
slowly i explain..what i want..how i want to progress..i
wanted to tell him tha i wasn't enjoying..and if i cudn't
enjoy..i shudn't do it. so slowly i opened up my heart..he
never ridicules..but i feel he gets a stronger hold on
me..knows me more..it helps and it doent too..so finnaly he
said tell me if i'm pushing more..i was very sympathetic
though..suppose we didn't publish for next 6 months..then?
what? isaid something more..i dont rem.
and so i'm happy..i think its hard for him to change..n i'm
adamant too. so we'll have such occasions again. but i've
learnt to be patient when dealing with jerky ppl..or any
kind of ppl whatsoever..they dont become my ideals..but i
learn to be happy with them..a kind of sacrifice too..which
i suppose i shud stop doing someday close in future.
so for now..its fine..a release of pressure..tension
whatever..but its still there..let this thing roll on..i
make a system as he asks..and then i'll take my way. i
don't know if i'd get so much freedom from him as i want. i
can't wish to be a free bird just on pretext of an evening
conversation. he says n knows perhaps that i might work
with somebody else. so finnally i'm not so hapy from
inside. i'm just..balanced..ready to go off.
but anyway what i feel sure of slowly n slowly he's a
nice guy..too anxious..over motivated over
emotional ..whatver..nice person at heart. but not a good
advisor :-)
ok so this thing has made me write everyday..haha..it
just comes back with my laptop after hibernation. and my
curiosity drives me to read all those fellow diaries..after
which i'm motivated enuf to start off on my own.
its good.i needed a start..to expunge my mind of all those
numerous thoughts..none of them weird as they used to
be..just too many of them. read one or two of them . liked
them a lot..
shud i start off philosophising too.about how the world is
as ic? and how it is? and how it shud be?
i'm shallow..by knowledge..in thoughts..in words..need to
do lots of homework..study..b4 i can speak at that level.
but i'm calm..very calm..without anger..so that i can take
anything..whatever degree..however deep..i can reach to it..
but i think i need more to produce..to become a speaker..or
a preacher..haha..i love this state.though..
enuf for now..had more to say..forgot..next time

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