shifting mists
2001-10-24 03:17:12 (UTC)

disappointment and paranoia ...

... *sighing* ... the time apart has been too long this time ... much
too long .... my mind is tripping .. freaking out ...

... questions run around in there and i don't understand why ... has
something changed that my subconscious is picking up on? or is it
just the distance and length of time apart that's getting to me? ...
making me feel neglected so that all of these paranoid thoughts and
feelings riot around within me? ...

... distance and the time making it harder and harder to remember and
remain attached to him and how much he cares .. how much he loves and
misses me ...

... in my mind my thoughts scream out at me that he might be content
exactly where we are now in our relationship and does not care to
move forward .... that though he has expressed that he wanted to
marry me he could since have changed his mind or decided to back off
and slow down ...

i woke up in my clothes again this morning
i don't know exactly where i am
And i should heed my doctor's warning
He does the best with me he can

... i feel like even if i could afford to buy the plane tickets for
myself that he would not be interested in me coming along with him to
Ontario to meet his family and spend Christmas with him ... i mean,
when he first asked me to go the ticket would have cost $600.00 ...
now, after the whole terrorist fiasco, the ticket is $350.00 .... and
~then~ Sarah came out today and offered to pay for half of it if he'd
pay the other half .... and yet the other day when i told him that i
wish i'd not said "no" to going ... he told me it was too late to
change my mind before he even tried to see what the prices would be
like .... then today .. he didn't even sound excited (or even
interested) when i told him of Sarah's offer ...

... how else can i take that except to mean that he doesn't want me
to even go at all? ... that he'd rather i wasn't there no matter what
it is that he said to the contrary? ... and as this feeling washes
over me my mind then goes back to wondering why ....

... why doesn't he want me to go?..
... why am i feeling so paranoid and neglected/subtly
rejected of late?..
... is he still planning for the future or just happy
as/where we are now?..
... does he even plan on building a future with me
anymore? .. or marrying me? ...

... i talk to him ... .but he doesn't talk to me ... he doesn't tell
me what he's thinking ... what kind of things he thinks about .. day
dreams about ... what he's planning or not planning .. what's going
on .. where his thoughts go ... what goes on within his mind .... and
so these are the things that intrude into my thoughts ... these are
the worries that invade my mind and disrupt my balance ...

He says i suffer from delusion
But i'm so confident i'm sane
It can't be an optical illusion
So how can you explain
Shadows in the rain

... and so over the time apart my mind slowly tries to detach ... it
uses my worries and fears against me as it works hard to reseal the
cracks in the wall around my heart ... to try and make me think of
him like any other male instead of the man of my heart .... my mind
works hard .. trying to convince me ... trying to tell me that he is
no different ... even though i know that he is ... my subconscious
worrying ... slowly over time it's like a weeding of my heart similar
to the weeding of flowers out of a briar patch ... the briars and
thorns being my old way of thinking and feeling ... my mind weeding
out the flowers he has sprouted within that patch of thorns ...
flowers that represent faith and trust ....

... i can feel myself detaching ... i can feel the distance growing
emotionally and i am working my damnedest to not let this happen ...
that i'm doing this because of the time apart .. that that time apart
has been too long ... the pain of missing him slashing so deep that
detachment seems to be the only salve after a while ....

... i'm trying so hard to not let this happen ... but ... i feel so
weak ... so tired of fighting ...

.. i just have to hold it together for a few more days ... just
eleven more days ...

And if you see us on the corner
We're just dancing in the rain
i tell my friends there when i see them
Outside my window pane
Shadows in the rain

... i've wanted to talk to him about this but been feeling like he
doesn't have the time ... or would brush my concerns off .... or the
money to call and talk to me .. to reassure me ... but they are
~real~ concerns within my mind and to me they are HuGE .... and they
are eating away at me inside ...
... and so i wanted to talk to him about all this ... but i don't
know how ... i don't know what to say ... because i fear being
right ... i fear his rejection ... his pain ... or his
frustration ...

... 'tis no matter .... *sigh* ... i can't talk to him about it
tonight anyway .... he's going out drinking with Russ to celebrate
his birthday ... and ... i can't ... can't talk about it ... when he
comes back ... not then .... *shaking my head* ... why do i have to
be so stupid ... so idiotic? ... why do my communication skills have
to so completely turn to dust at even the slightest thought of
alcohol? ... i hate that about myself ... and i refuse to let others
adjust to my comfort level .. because i know that i am warped ...
that i am the one that is wrong on this issue ...

... so maybe tomorrow ... *doubtful sigh* ....

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Shadows in the Rain" by Sting.