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"too stupid to be aware"
it's early, and i'm much too tired for 10:44.
i don't even know where this day went.
it seems that from 7:45 this morning until 3 minutes ago
when i got home, i've been at the lawrence all day; classes
and practice and meals were just short breaks.
the sleep deprivation is really getting to me.
i've been so irritable with everyone lately.
chris came to the office tonight and i totally blew him
off...i couldn't even be decent enough to go for a walk and
have a conversation with him.
but i haven't had any time for myself, and i need that, so
i'm screwing my two classes worth of work and just sleeping
i'll just keep this entry expository....better yet, i'll
just make it a list, some things that went on today that i
think i'd like to look back on.
not even important things, just things that happened to
*long talk with sam about the regiment of the lawrence
*the hebrew team
*skwak likes the mix
*the laskow article
*ashgar alam, olla pod, and the prank calls
*interims - evaluating my level of "competence" in french
*explaining hill shirts to the freshman
*snood for the first time since the spring!!!
*having a normal conversation with dnaps and learning why
it is that i'm not allowed to call him dnaps
*moosecock and the clown
*if by #7 sam meant #22 or 24
*meg, your mom called, she said you're gullible
*everyone smoking crack with my mom under the bed
i'm probably just thinking too hard - i usually do - but
from time to time jon just invades all my thoughts and
inhibits my ability to think past pleasant memories.
i don't know if the issue with chris makes me think twice
because there's a hidden, more substantial side to him that
i should be considering or if i'm just vainly attempting to
prove to myself that i'm not incapable of any romantic
situation within less than a 150 mile-radius.
i think i'm finally at that ambiguous point between a
headache and being on the verge of throwing up...wait,
i am truly tired though and sleep may do me some good.
it may replenish the sense of humor that has dried up as a
result of the extreme fatigue caused by my draining
then again, maybe it's all frezza's bad influence and i
don't have a sense of humor to begin with....
saves the day:
oh well, you've got me under your spell. and I don't think
that I'm kidding around, I don't think I can forget you
now. I once sat up on my roof and examined the planning of
my town. I saw the structured grid and pavement cutting
through grass and I remembered the cold of winter running
up the legs of my pants. I picked the nicest lawn and
imagined the two of us rolling around down along the
ground. I saw myself touch your face and I noticed jets
begin to race above our heads. and I pinched my arm and
remembered how much you hate me. I remembered the fact
that I can't see what you need. and I'm too stupid to be
aware of the beauty that you give this place and how shitty
this town would seem without you in it. when you aren't
around I let the shades fall down, oh, to shut out all the
sun's light and make myself feel all right. what am I
doing with my life? oh well, you've got me under your
spell. and I don't think that I'm kidding around, I don't
think I can forget you now. remember that the only things
we need sometimes are chilly nights and warmer thighs.
cause nothing's like being held sometimes.
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