meant4me

My Crazy Messed Up Life
2001-10-24 02:50:48 (UTC)

confused.

I haven't really wrote anything for a few days...not much
has been going on. We moved some more of my shit from mom's
house to my house...it was weird to see my parents
together, they were actually half decent to each other too.
I saw Judy yesterday afternoon, she made me draw! I hate
drawing! I mean I love drawing, I just hate to draw when i
know that someone else is going to be seeing it. It made me
feel really weird, but i guess, from what she says i better
get used to the whole drawing thing cuz there is more of it
coming my way! I have another appointment with her next
Tuesday. It's been pretty cool, lately I've kinda felt like
I am actually getting somewhere, I know that I still have
quite a ways to go but it's getting better and it's less
painful, maybe not less painful, but just easier to have
someone walk me through this.
I had a really rough night last night. Mom gave me a box of
shit to bring over to my house, it was sitting there for a
while and i finally decided to go through it last night. I
found her Wedding book. I started to look at it and just
totally broke down in tears. My mind then wandered back to
a conversation that we had about a month ago. She told me
that she never really loved my dad, she kinda did, but not
totally, and she also told me that the only reason that my
mom and dad got married was for me. This made me feel
really kinda guilty almost. Then she went on to tell me
that the only reason that she stayed with my dad for as
long as she did was for me. She also told me that she
wasted 22 years of her life to make me happy. This again,
made me feel pretty guilty. I was like man, my mom
sacrificed alot to make me happy and blah blah...which may
hold some truth to it, but at the same time what she said
to me totally didn't make sense because my parents were
constantly breaking up and getting back together, and I was
far from a happy kid. I was and still am a really hurting
lil' girl. My life wasn't all horrible...I mean there were
some happy times together, but for the most part I think I
was pretty sad...and I feel like she is just trying to find
someone to blame for all this...maybe I'm wrong, I just
don't know. This has really really confused me alot.
Anyway, I really need to get to bed i have an early class
in the A.M. I'll write more tomorrow.
Luv,
Steph