MsKarma

even elizabeth hurley goes to the loo
2001-10-23 22:33:01 (UTC)

cameras don't go to shows

so this diary thing has kind of taken over my life, today
in calss i sat down, not like we were doign naything
anyway, but i worte two full pages, fornt and back, and i
felt better, i mean not myuch better, cause today sucked,
but i felt momentarily better, mayeb later i will write
them in... today after school we went to startbucks, alex
kelly and i and alex and kelly were alex and elly ish, and
it made me sad, thast what i wrote abotu today, in class
their relationship and how its different than ours, either
of ours, or theirs or mine, wahtver.. but like i sat down
at a table to wait for my drink to be done, and i put my
head down, cause im tired, and there was another chair, and
alex came over and said something, and then went and sat at
a differnt table, close ot mine, but spearte and kelly sat
with her, and they didn't talk to me, and jeanie sat with
me, and i drank my drink, and htey talked and drankt heir
drinks, and talked and i drank my drink and sat across from
jeanie.. i felt sort of third wheelish, not even sort of,
definatly.. and i knwo they don;t mean to, but htis is what
i was writing baout at school, i need to put it it, i'll
put it in tomrow maybe... like... i knwo iuts not
intentional, its jsut.. fuck, hold on lemme go get this...
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so this diary thing is kind of taking over my life, any
free time i get i think, you know, i could be online, i
dcould be writng, i think im goign to carry a journal. i
woke up late today, waking up before the sun really sucks,
it gets me down, i always read about those kids tht get
depressed in the winter when they wake up is dark, go to
school, barely see the sun, and then go to sleep. i think
im might be getting that. if there is a religion, helios
centrisims..., na, well, i think i reallyl ove the sun, i
told the shrink about my reason for geting out of bed, only
i tol dhim it was my philosophy, so i guess i
misrepresentedm ysatnce. he gave me a bullshit answer, but
i guess i told him the wrongt hings... so.. blah... i'm
treating my cutilces really poorly, im bleeding all over
the place, and my face is kind of ick... kelly was lookign
ta pictures of homecoming, or the day before, or the day
after, or osemthing and she was like, look at all those
xits, my skin is so gorss, and its like, you have one
zit... (thiking baout that now as i type this up.. well,
fuck i dont; know.. i dont; wash my face and whenever i
have a zits, kellys like, well mayeb it you washed your
face! and its like, mayeb if i had chronic acne or a grease
problem, or somehting, but this system works for me, and
idon;t have bad skins, so obviously, i dont;l need to wash
my face...) she says jason thinks hes falling in love with
her, and she doesn;t liek the fact that he oculd have some
much power over her, (not even him, just anyone.. and i can
see that, but she also says she doesn;t ever see how any
guy could fall in love with her, and its like, why not? i
think shes too hard on herself sometimes, maybe its
intentional, i dont knwo i hope not, that would suck... but
back to what i wrote today...) ive been thinking about this
for a while, and kelly is an emotionally intense person.
thast why guys fall so heard for her, and thast why it
hurts alex so much when she an dkelly don't get along,
thast why we're all distraught for weeks when kelly and
james, then eklly and sam don't work out. shes an intense
person, and fucking, rightffully so... she doesnt knwo if
she can keep it, if it will last, so she oves in wuickly
and with all shes got. with her, things come on strong and
fast. i dont; know how ive missed out on this ( and maybe
i ahven't since i am writing baout it...?) i knwo, i guess,
i assume talex and eklly have a very differnt relationship,
i see that, id have to be blind deaf and braindead not to
see that, but i think that their relatiohship carries more
wieght than mine iwth either of them, (and thast ok, it
just kind of sucks for me to see it you know? not that i
need ot be numebr one all the time, but i just dontl want
to have an illusuions that im on the sam elevel, cause i
really really really am sick of being disillusioned, and id
donlt want tthat to carry over to my frienships) i don;t
knwo where im goign with this, but i think i feel better, i
hope today is as good as yesterday, i don;t think it iwll
be htough, imtired an di have lots of things to day, and
not enough time or evergy to do them all. wee need to do
the nmeeting for the cactus(which we put off till friday)
and go to 311, i have to talk to canduce, neil can't drive
us, maybe sara can.. i hope candice got a ticket, cause if
not, i'll have to go when i dont really want to, fuck, can
i hope you can get this together... on to speech, where im
not prepared, but hopefully i won;t have to be...
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so thats it, i was in school, and im hooked on this diary
thing... well, hey, can just showed up with aum for the
show.. so...