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2001-10-23 02:56:11 (UTC)


Let me start off by saying....I don't know. Okay, there is
this stubborn part of me that won't let Leroy go. It's not
my heart...I know this. It's just the fact that I didn't
get what I wanted. How often does that happen? I don't
know. I know I can go out and mean so much to someone else,
but here I am....still stuck on Leroy. If it sounds like I
might beat myself up for this, then it's because that's
kind of what I do. I would never do this for anyone else.
NO ONE! I don't know why Leroy has to be the exception. I
wish I could find that attitude I have for any other dude
who I don't need. I can say all of what's in my
heart....the way I hate the way I feel because of the
things he does, the way I just want to cuss him to the high
heavens and make him feel like shit.......but when he comes
around.....I go blank. The hurt is still in my heart, but
the time I spend with him seems to erase the hurt for the
time being. I just hate how that happens. And some people
will say that it's love that keeps him in my thoughts. I
would have to disagree. Love? I mean, I will always love my
first love, but as far as "in love"....I don't need to be
that. Not with someone who thinks he can run over me. I've
realized that I can only do so much.


But on another subject.....me and Kellen had a long
conversation tonite. I gave him some advice. I wish I had a
boy like him. I can't really go into details about how I
feel, but it's nothing really major....trust me. Jonathan
told me that I looked nice at the game Saturday. That made
me smile....I really needed to hear something sincere like
that. Oh yeah, the game!!!! We saw Willie Reid and Derek
Tharpe. Those are Kellen's friends. Dee was so happy to see
Derek. That made me happy that she got a chance to see him.
I mean, we didn't plan to see them or anything....it was
just a blessing that we did. I'm really happy for Dee. I
guess I will just concentrate on how my friends are doing.
I want to at least see them happy about something.

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