nin137

Nick's Journal
2001-10-22 15:42:30 (UTC)

Monotony

I woke up this morning to the insane screeching of my alarm
clock. I thought about getting up but I didn't. I hated
the thought that I was a slave to routine. Monday mornings
just like any other good citizen I should get up hit the
snooze and slip back into bliss for 9 minutes until the
blaring of the alarm clock grabs my brain by it's few
remaining brain cells and rips it back into reality.
I woke up this morning worrying about monotony. Thinking
to myself "shit i can't get up at 8:15, no, it's more that
i don't WANT to get up" i mean surely i COULD have gotten
up and dragged my ass out of bed, but instead i slept
through three snooze routines until dave finally went to
shower.

On my way to the shower I thought even more about
monotony. My day was already planned out for me. i shower
now, i go eat at dietrick, i go to BIT, i go back to the
room and do acis (which i should be doing right now), go to
acis, go to german, go run, sleep for an hour, go lift with
john, do hw, get a pizza and watch monday night.

there's my day, now all i have to do is bounce off of it's
boundaries and stumble along the pre-planned course. sure
i could get the will to break through the boundaries and
veer off to mexico, but i mean shit who am i kidding, i get
an asthma attack if my bagel sits in the toaster and
someone gets between me and it. it's like a mother and her
cub relation. in other words i don't handle any deviations
from my methodical meanderings very well, so why do i even
complain about monotony if i don't do anything bout it?

simply because i thought of success. whta is success? is
it having a ton of money living in a great house in a safe
neighborhood? is it security? or is it just not failing?
as long as i make that middle class suburbia life i should
be happy. i could go for it all and "succeed" but still be
depressed, or i could go for it all and "fail" but due to
my skewed perception still "succeed". so should i aim for
failing and rationalizing? mildlly succeeding or going all
out and maybe even "winning" in life? i dont' know
but i do know that it's monday and i can't handle this
monotony. i don't want to go to acis, i don't want to
drool all over myself in german, i don't want to run, and i
don't want to sleep. i DO want to lift and watch football,
but i can't stand that it's already planned.

or maybe i'm just looking at it wrong. maybe it's GOOD
that my day is planned. no worries, just slight deviations
from the path like if some tree-hugging cheeba monkey gets
in between me and my bagel. i should see my plan as a well-
tailored suit fit to "suit" my needs. all i have to do is
sleep into and not worry. it will take me where i want to
go. it's my magical suit, and it can take me anywhere.
some peoples suits aren't finely tailored, they have holes
and don't cover their needs. they're the ones who
have "failed". the others have "failed" because they have
a well-tailored suit but don't realize it fits them. and
there are those like me (or maybe just me), i have my suit,
but i don't want it. i want to trade it in for the hawain
shirt that takes me to far off places. a shirt that hangs
loosely, that doesn't restrict me.

one day i'll find out what i want, but i'm afraid i'm going
to waste my life along the way, by plodding along a track
set out for me. i want to swim across the atlantic, save a
manatee or two, and stop world hunger, but i also want my
bagel within 2 minutes of my placing it into the toaster.
hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm. i want companionship, i want money, i
want fame, and i want adventure. but they don't just come
to you. as i once heard "if everything is coming your way
you're in the wrong lane". so what am i going to do today
to make this monday un-miserable? that's right. i'm gonna
go sit in front of seitz and watch people. i'll watch them
and i'll judge them. i'll laugh to myself, as i picture a
guinea pig and a manatee "getting down" and i'll come up
with some other stupid journal entry. in short. i'm gonna
enjoy my life. i'll try to make my friends laugh and
appreciate them. maybe someday i'll get a million dollars
and i can buy what i want. maybe that million dollars comes
wrapped in a life of security, but all i know is that it
can't buy me the potential that i have right now. the
potential to change. and that can never be bought, or
lost. so in that case i can only come to the conclusion
that monotony can never win.......for you can always
destroy it, with ambition. just not on a monday :-).