2001-10-22 06:50:39 (UTC)

Best Friend

My best friend has been visiting me for the last
couple of days. She came up to look at a college and we've
spent every moment with each other. I was so excited that I
suppose that it made the event rather anti-climatic. We've
been fighting on and off since the day after she arrived
and it confuses me. We've always been so close and sure,
we've had our quarrels but we've never gotten on each
others nerves like we are now. I think it must be the
stress of having to have a good time and enjoy each other's
company rather than just letting it happen as we would if
we saw each other every day. Our arguments have been petty,
but I completely lost it last night. I started sobbing
uncontrolably all of a sudden and she came over and held me
until I stopped. The same thing happened again later after
I took a shower. I still haven't told her what I was upset
about, but she probably has a pretty good idea. I'm
miserable. Every choice I make seems to be a bad one and
I've nearly lost hope that I will ever turn things around.
The thought that broke me was that I seemed to be losing
the one person I had left to count on.
This morning we acted as if nothing had happened and
had a good time in town, but there was definitely still
tension between us. Our friendship is too good for me to
let go of, but it seems that we have so much baggage that
it will never be pure again. I think I've lost my trust in
her, in anyone really ever since the horrible things that
happened in May. I don't know. She leaves this morning and
I'm almost glad because I won't have to bear the
awkwardness anymore.
I wonder what's wrong with me. I can't seem to stay
close to anybody. There's a concrete wall between me and
the friends I've made so far here at school. I don't think
I'll ever be close to them, we're too different. The one
decent romantic relationship I had was horrible for my
health, constant ups and downs that were very hard to
bear...I suppose it wasn't that decent then was it? And now
the one other decent relationship I've had, the one with my
best friend, seems to be falling apart. I need her more
than she could ever imagine, but she doens't need me in the
least. She has a wonderful boyfriend to love her, something
that I'm insanely jealous of. She's becoming closer to him
than she is to me and I suppose that while I know that's
the way it works, I feel betrayed.
I know that I have to deal with this on my own, I
can't burden my friend or anyone else with my problems. All
I feel is sadness and it's becoming unbearable. What needs
to change? My environment, the people I surround myself
with, my outlook on life? Probably all of the above.
I'm a mess of a human being. I'm not productive, all I
ever do is cause pain to others. I'm just a waster of
resources I'm not worthy of. I miss my family. I can't
shake the memories of all the shamefull things I've done,
nor can I forgive myself for them. I've ruined my own life
and I know it. I know that this is a terrible way to exist,
but I don't know how to change. I also know that if I don't
change soon, what's left of my soul will fade away from my
body, each piece distributed to all the people who I've let
suck the life out of me.

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