angryanymore

angryanymore
2001-10-22 04:24:40 (UTC)

we kiss on the mouth but still cough down our sleeves.

would it be absolutely stupid to apologize for not writing
yesterday or earlier today...? ... does it matter? ...
anyhow... i apologize... i had to go to memphis saturday
morning with amanda... and this morning mom took me back to
memphis... for new shoes and lipstick... crazy huh?
considering i don't even where that much lipstick... but
the shoes are docs... so i'm glad about that.

... lately... with the absence of gabe... i've been
thinking alot... ...

all of the things i should have said..

how friendship is a consolation prize when things
end... ... and that i'm just not interested in it at all...
because its just a cover up... like... that song by bright
eyes "its cool... we can still be friends" ... bullshit...
you can't... because all of those angry and confused and
hurt emotions are bouncing around your internally... and
that isn't good... ... i say, get it out... scream kick and
yell... that may not make it pleasant... but it gets you a
little bit closer to closure...

kolby's popping in my head alot... ... and i'm pretty angry
about that... what business does he have in my head... i
thought i told him to get out... out out out! ... not
working... dammit.

oy... maybe i told you this... but just for the record..
the whole gabe thing..... yeah... i called his house and
katie answered... the ex girlfriend... .. i mean... and
maybe... i'm not supposed to be angry... or hurt.. there
were no guarantees... i knew that... but... dammit... it
really really bothers me... a whole bunch.

my fingers are really cold.

god...

eric's dad is mean...

*listens to modest mouse - dramamine* memories...

amanda's keeping karma while i'm gone.. thank goodness... i
didn't want to leave my baby here with daddy and
jordan... ... they probably wouldn't give him two different
flavors of cat food............ arg.... i packed karma's
suitcase... filled it with toys and 16 different cans of
fancy feast and special kitty... and some c.d.'s for
amanda... who says i'm not a good person... ? i even
painted his name on the outside of the suitcase. ... it
sucks when your main priority is a cat.


i think im going insane...

my amanda (not kolbys new girlfriend) asked me why i
couldn't just move on... why i was festering about kolby...
i fucking don't know.
wheres the line between obsession and and not being able to stop
wondering what i did... or how it got this way.? i honestly believe i
loved him... and deserve... some kind of closure.... and am not
obsessing... it just hurts still.. ... i mean... YES. i read his info
24/7... just so
i can maybe catch of glimpse of ... how he's doing now...

i guess. i'm the only thing that stands in my way ...

maybe one day casually.. i'll just.. forget.
no jane today. just plane old neeley.