ek_shaks' Diary
2001-10-22 02:49:56 (UTC)

An Intro

hmm..so here is my intro. with a bias on what i'm confused
i've done a CS major. i believed i was another einstein 4
years back. became a realist abt 2 yrs back. thought i'll
somehow manage a Turing award if not Nobel. and since last
yr..things happened. went to france. saw more of world. now
methinks i'm not made for CS. something else needs me. i
need to venture out. i sing. i act. most of it in my
nativeness..ie an Indian. ah! i feel weary.
No. but when i sit down with my papers, my study ..i feel
attracted. it gives me lot of scope to think ..to create
nevertheless. i'm confused. i want a deterministic sketch
of myself..determinism i hate..but i NEED it!
so how abt planning what to write ahead.
* already a brief intro is there
* some more below.
* describe ur current situation, build the present picture
( i'm writing to clear my mind of all this "unknown
* make a linear approximation of my needs n wants then

ok..i feel i never did what i wanted to. always running
behind somethn..which wasnt money..wasn't
popularity.soemthing else. workaholic am i. like to run a
lot without thinking. fight..fight .fight for hours.
i learnt most of those computer skills that way. i'm a good
sys administrator. though that's not my job. i love that
job. cos its so easy. and i was(am) so good at it whenever
i do it. i love programming too. i believe i'm one of the
best programmers :-) haha.. these are 2 of the most imp
reasons i feel rpoud of myself.
They say microsoft,cisco,intel wait for me. gvv says i'm
making my life a hell myself or have made it already by
opting for this MS business ( and looking fwd to a PhD)

hmm..so basically i've been taught to be patient. curb my
desires. In hope of gettign fruits..fruits which i've got
but perhaps never been able to appreciate. Indian women are
remarkably patient. just a thought. not all of them though.
they know sacrifice. but tell me! i'm not in the same
insecure state..financial primarily ( ah here i get
confused..continue anyway) ..i dont need to sacrifice my
wishes, dreams for anyone except perhaps my parents n bro,
who never ask me of anythign. i shud be a free bird. but
i'm not. why is that? do i need more? more money (yes..but
it will come anyway)? more fame? (hmm..but down within i
know fame isn't true. after a while they don't know why ur
famous for..but ur famous..just grows with age :-) i
presume ) ..no..but i feel my desires being curbed. i wud
be better ..some other way.
now is that true? ami really desirous of something else?
or just cribbing about the unknown as children do..? now u
wud consider this as being remarkably thoughtful of me, but
i'm not..that was just a crap from the database. ho ho

anyway..go on.yes deep inside i'm cribbing. since long.
now bring this thing to an end. whatever way it shall be.
somehow the result wud be go on do MS..PhD. same advisor( i
feel i hate him a lot for what he is) ..but still..that wud
keep the balance alright. No thunderstorms..life wud go on
as it is. but if the decision is otherwise..i tell u it is
goin to be tough..both for me..and for those around. may
god save them :-)!

i skipped something. dont know. but inside me the desire
to know all. to explore all. to try out everything that
exists around me. is that the most complete annotation of
myself. yes. maybe. its just that i'm sitting n watching.
not moving ahead. things r there..i need to get to them,
every thing from air gliding to xerox palo alto reasearch.

topics to come: ah so many thoughts i'll forget.
* my current situation..advisor research..place..food.
..dreams.more clearly..ok needs subdivisions.
* current research
* current Things "TO DO" on global scale
* what i hate
* in research * otherwise
* global views of mine..abt how the world shud be.and is
how i shud be and i am..how i know every little.dont
read much..still try to predict whatever is around.
* what i shud do..theoritically
* in research
* in life
* what i can do - this wud be the most interesting part

ok seems all set.
start off..current situation