Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
2001-10-22 02:43:12 (UTC)

Happy? Hmmmmm....what's that?

Ya know, sometimes I wonder diary, just where does it say
that because you try so hard to put forth a positive
attitude and act like you're happy, can't God just give you
a little something to be happy about?
It seems, no matter how hard I try, or what I do, I can't
seem to hold onto any happiness for me!!! What is so wrong
with me?
It's like I try so hard not to be selfish, but dammit! I
deserve good things in my life too! Okay, let me back up
and tell things from the beginning.
I lost my job working for the state September 10th, signed
a deal where I was not unemployed until September 30th, and
then was separated from the state after 9 years of
service. When I left there, I was making pretty good
money, had benefits such as insurance, vacation, and sick
leave, but I was miserable, and therefore making my son
miserable. I would not only work the 9 plus hours that I
was there each day, I would work nights at home and
weekends as well. I would be so tired and stressed by the
time I was around my son, I would be screaming at him. So,
when I lost my job, it was the best thing that could of
happened at that time. It convinced me to follow my dreams
of working with kids on a full-time basis and going to
college. I try hard to take care of myself and my son, I
am now working at my son's day care. I know it is not a
great job financially, it doesn't have benefits, but it
cuts my son's day care cost in half, and allows me to work
with kids! I love it!! However, it doesn't seem to be
enough to pay my rent.
Okay, a little off track, I forgot something, or shall I
say someone. This was brought home, hard and heavy today,
so I really need to get it off my chest, and maybe even off
of my heart. I don't have really anyone to talk to about
it, so please bare with me. Sorry, wiping away the tears
that I have held back for so long now. I am the oldest of
3 kids. I have 2 younger brothers. One is 5 years
younger, the other 8 years younger than me. Well,
technically, 4 yrs-6 months, and 7 yrs-4mos. Anyway,
moving on....The first brother, I'll start with the
youngest one, it's easier. He's the one that I jokingly
call my smart brother.
He is compassionate, incredibly smart, and just basically
every girl's best friend. He's the quiet joke of the
party, so to speak. He is out in the middle of the ocean
right now, on a naval carrier ship called the USS Nimitz.
He is in the Navy, and just has been accepted to the
officers school. He is looking forward to being back in
town relatively soon to go to UT. He takes the time to
worry about everyone around him, even when we are soo far
away from him, he even sends me an email today, hoping that
my son is 'not too much for me'. LOL!!! He knows how that
goes, raising my son is like raising my baby brother all
over again! How many soon-to-be 21 yr old guys would worry
about their big sis like that?
Okay, on to the other little brother. He is the one that
is about 5 years my junior, and the one that I commonly
call my stupid brother. This brother I don't know if I
will ever understand. I am so angry and disappointed with
him right now, I have essentially stopped talking to him.
Not that it is anything new, I never talked to him much
before either, especially when his legal troubles started.
Then, he writes me this letter, after he has already
contacted every one else in our family, and makes me think
that he has really changed. Now I find out that he
hasn't. He has gotten into so much legal trouble, I don't
know how he lives with himself. Admittedly, I'm no angel,
I got a DWI just short of a year ago, but that's it! He's
had three! Plus a felony charge for something else! And
yet, he's the one that is living at home again, with mom
and dad, which, trust me, I don't envy that part!!!! But,
the point is, mom and dad act like they are going to be
tough with him or whatever, but all of a sudden, me and my
son don't exist again! Shit, I guess that's something else
to explain.
I'm glad nobody has to read this!!! My parents have never
been overly supportive of me, which I know seems odd, being
the only daughter. I'm not sure what I have done to shame
them, but I guess I better learn to live without them. I
have been thinking for awhile of just pursuing something
away from here, a new place, a fresh start for me and my
son, but put it off. Today, the whole situation was
brought to a head for me. I have spent the weekend with a
very dear friend of mine and his family, while my son was
with his Dad. In one of several conversations that I had
with my friend's parents, a conversation with his Dad just
made me want to curl up and die, or scream and rail at my
mom and dad for caring so little!!! My friend's dad made a
comment about how I am doing so well with my situation as a
single parent, and that he is sure that it is very hard.
Here comes the heartbreaker....he asked me if my parents
support me much, considering the circumstances. I thought
for a moment before I answered him, and I said 'no'. He
tells me, in his kind-hearted way, 'that's a real shame,
why is that?' I didn't really have an answer for him. I
told him that I didn't know, that I guess they were just
too busy. Lord, WHY do I have to make excuses for my
parents? Why is it that no matter what I do, it's never
quite good enough for those that are closest to me, but yet
total strangers can say, you're awesome.
I will come back to this in a few minutes, I have to take
care of my son, get him to bed. To be continued...