J's Journal
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2001-10-22 02:19:02 (UTC)

Why can't I live in N.C???

I really want to be in North Carolina right now. I dont
understand why I couldn't have just been born there in the
first place. But, maybe I would never have met him that
way? I guess I will never know. It's just the fact that
everyone else but me gets to see him all the time. Haley,
Erica, and Tara get to actually be with him and I dont. I
dont really worry about Tara so much anymore, but Haley and
Erica I dont like at all. Especially Erica now, since he
is taking her to the mountains for the weekend. He says
it's just cause he hasn't got to talk to her much lately
and he feels bad. My point is why do you need to be alone
with her for the weekend, in an excluded cabin in the
mountains to talk just as "friends"??? That seems a little
weird to me. He asked me why I dont trust him, and I told
him I did. Which I do, but I know what she will be
thinking cause it's the same thing any girl would be...."a
guy I really like a lot is taking me to the mountains to be
alone all weekend, so he really must like me." I mean,
anybody would think that. Plus, the really bad part is
that she is a virgin and she told him she wanted him to be
her first. How much more perfect of a set-up for that
could you get??? I think she is crazy for that though
because I really wouldn't want him to be my first for one
reason, and it's a BIG one. He has a 10 1/2 inch dick. I
don't know about her, but I know I would be scared to
have that as my first experience, cause most experienced
girls prolly couldn't take it. Granted, he is soooo fine.
I'm guessing she prolly doesn't know though. So, if it
happens, (which it better not!!!!) she will be in for a
shock. I know I could take it though, no problems. The
only guys I have ever had sex with have been black guys,
and one thing I know for sure is....they either have it, or
they dont. Most of the men I have been with have been big,
but it's like when you didn't get it, you didn't get
nothing. I feel sorry for them....LOL! My neighbor (who
is married by the way) is always trying to get with me. I
let him twice, and let me just say I was like what the hell
is this??? It was so small. I have never seen one that
small before. His friend though, which is the baby's dad,
was one of the blessed ones. All I have to say about that
one is DAMN!!! I wish I could take some of it back
though. My mom thinks I have slept with ten people, cause
I got drunk on my ass one time and told her that for some
reason. But, the real number is like 20. It sounds even
worse when I add the fact that three months ago the number
was two! Like I said in an entry before, I just went crazy
for a few months. I dont really know why either. My
parents don't know I smoked weed then, and they never
will. They asked me at the doctors too, and I said know
cause my mom was in there. It wont do anything though
cause I didn't smoke it but once during the time I was
pregnant. The thing I regret from this all though is the
reputation I have now. Guys will just stop at my house or
pull up when I am outside and expect me to go with them, or
give them head cause I did it before. I dont want to be
that person anymore. I want out of this town so know one
will know me anymore. That's why I want to be in NC with
Kevin. Then there wont be any chance that he would ever
find out about anything I did in the past few months. He
knows about some and that was enough to almost ruin it all
for me so I am not taking the chance of loosing it all. He
really wants to be with me, but he is scared that I am
going to hurt him again, and that is totally fair of him to
think that. I just wish I coudl take a big erase and erase
it all sometimes. Too bad it's not that easy.
Anyways, enough depressing shit cause I am actually in a
good mood. I am waiting on him to call cause he put me in
the bet that they have at his work for the football games.
He said he was going to let me pick his teams this week,
but instead he put five dollars in for me and got me my own
sheet. So, If I win I get the money now, which is $410! I
got 8 out of eleven right so I am hoping I at least came
close. I knew the Rams would win cause they kick ass!! I
say this while proudly sporting my St. Louis Rams
shirt! :) You'd think living an hour away from St.Louis
would make it easy to get Rams tickets, but think again.
We tried and tried but there are absolutely none left at
all and that place is huge. I was like what the hell???
But, let me win the money and I wont care...LOL!! J