lack of iron and/or sleeping
2001-10-21 22:59:35 (UTC)


i think i love violet more than anything in the whole
world. she's amazing. and i love her. and i'm going to
spend as much time with her now, when she's little, so that
when she starts hating me, when she's a bit older, then i
will have "good memories" or something.

i didn't got to college cuz i felt ill again. and stuff. my
tongue my tongue. it wrecks.

so i was prancing around in the garden with emy
this "morning". because we're free spirits. or maybe not. i
didn't realise the pub was getting stupid crap done to
their flat roof. so. i didn't realise the builders had a
perfect view of our garden and emy in her underwear. after
i had recovered from prancing about i went back to bed.

which is when emy APPARENTLY decided phone my parents, erin
& the ppl in my band. so we could all sit around a fucking
table and "talk" about my problems. yes. my BIG problems
that everyone knows about now. like being addicted to coke
and smack and crack and speed. yeah. speed. if i was
addicted to speed i would have no penis. i know these
things. i know my dick has not shrivelled away to nothing.
not that there was much to start with anyways.

and then it all went summat like this:
"jeebus. what the hell are you all doing here?"
then they all chorus "we need to talk" like my whole life
is a big...film. or something.
then i tell ASK morgan & co. to leave, cuz they could be
setting up their gear in the front room. so they fuck off
to do that.

now it's my parents, erin and emy vs. me. hmm. yes, i'm so
important ppl take time off college to bitch at me and do
the "tough love" thing.
erin was crying. like he does. my mum was jabbering on
about how i "have such a beautiful daughter and so much to
live for..." like they all think i'm suicidal. and i know
violet is beautiful and lovely and wonderful and amazing
already. i don't need to be told. then emy threatened
to "leave me" and to "take violet" if i "don't stop taking
drugs". like i chose to be the scabby fuck i've turned
into. i used to be nice. really.
AND if you don't want someone to take drugs, if you ask
them to stop taking drugs, do you then go out, ON THE SAME
FUCKING DAY to buy them weed, mushrooms, crack, a new bong
[cuz violet broke my other one] and assorted happy pills??
fuck no. not unless you are totally fucking fucked in the

but after that pantomime had finished it was all good.
CDT are getting good. not good enough to play at fibbers
like some ppl think though.
today we ran through our supah c00l versions of: "she walks
on me" cuz it's so...nice and holey. and "kings of the
carnival creation" cuz i love wrecking my voice.
and "stinkfist" because it's...interesting to play. and
morgan sounds more like MJK than i do. damnit. but it all
sounded so good even though my living room doesn't have
particularily decent acoustics.

last night was highly disturbing though...the ppl in my
band came over, i was feeling anti-social so i stayed on
the computer, until i felt hungry, so i went to go to the
kitchen, and there was lee and his "lady friend" fucking on
my living room floor by the fire. how romantic. i
mean...they could have gone to the bathroom or something,
or even my room. on top of my bed covers though. and they
could have kept some clothes on. and they must have got
friction burns...the carpet isn't exactly "soft".

college kicked ass today. seriously. i went to the cemetary
to smoke pot with ...people... and got caned. i ended up
being molested by some strange girl and getting off with a
really really cute gay person who'd never kissed a guy
before. guh. he was a crappy kisser. and then erin turned
up, and was being all...weird and not talking to me. and
then emy turned up and the girl who tried to molest me
pissed off. then it started pissing it down so everyone
else pissed off and i stayed and talked with emy for a bit.
then i went to my next lesson and thought i was going to
die cuz i had the munchies so bad. hmm. then college was
finshed. then i went into town and bought a TOOL t-shirt
for £8.99. and a dandy warhols album for £9.99. then i went
home and spent some "quality time" with emy. which

the past...week has been weird. there was a bomb scare at
my college on wednesday, which was "good" cuz i got to come
home early.
this weekend is the start of my half term. a whole week at
home with emy and violet and my brother. kick ass.
but i have: english / psychology / biology / media
coursework to do. but i've started some, so it's all ghud.
practised with the band for a couple of hours today. i
think i new some new fx pedals. badly.