UxGxLxY

Ugly on the inside
2001-10-21 22:01:04 (UTC)

S.O.A.D

tonight is the Pledge of Alligence concert... i really
really really reallllllllllllllllly want to see system of a
down but it's too late to go now and i dunno, i don't have
anyone to go with. it sucks going to a concert alone.
fucking a.. why didn't i go? argh.
last night was the homecoming dance. oh boy that was about
the most depressing/shittiest thing i've been apart of in a
long time. i can't believe i dragged cody into that. we
ended up leaving less than an hour and a half into it. we
went to his moms house. (she is away for the week.) we
watched American Pie for some damn reason. i don't really
know. then we started getting really close and stuff. like
we were going out again or something. i knew doing that
would upset me, but i did it anyway. i would have had sex
with him... i swear to god i would have. i wanted to kiss
him so badly, but i felt like that would have been crossing
a line. something about a kiss makes it more meaningful
than anything else you could do. if we had more time i'm
sure we would have done more... atleast i think. i remember
standing up and getting ready to leave and he came up
behind me and just wrapped himself around me. it was the
best feeling i've had in such a long time. i felt wanted by
someone... i felt like i ment something to him. we're still
good friends, spite the shit last night but i'm so confused
as to why he was like that. ya know? he must still like me
or he wouldn't have been all over me like that. i need to
talk to him about it but he's at the concert and won't be
home till late. i won't be able to focus tomorrow because
of it probably. i feel like i'm in love again, but this
time i can't get him back. no matter how hard i'm trying,
he just won't go back out with me. he said he didn't want
to hurt me like he did before... i just don't want him to
get bored again. how do i stop him from getting bored with
me? i tried everything. it doesn't help that i can't get a
guy anyway. :::sigh::: i feel like i'm falling. it's
bizzare.
i feel so depressed again, it's been worse recently. one minute i'll
be all giddy and happy and the next i feel like next to nothing. it's
so hard to not let people notice. i don't want them to see something
is wrong, i don't want them to know. thinking about cody makes me so
happy, yet so depressed that i don't even think depressed is a low
enough word for how i feel. i feel like i'm trapped inside of
something... (the bitch bubble) that is keeping me away from everyone
and everyone away from me. i can even see it. i'm so sick of
everything. i feel like i'm dead weight, that i can't get up and do
anything. i have no desire to. i want to clean my room but for some
reason i think that cleaning my room means i'll die soon. i'm crying
now, i just saw my death, i saw my parents and i saw my funeral. i
saw it all... and for some reason i want it. i want it so much but i
can't do it. i just can't. i wish i knew why and i wish someone would
explain it to me.
all of a sudden i feel better than when i was writing that. i swear
my emotions and my fucking head is going to kill me. i don't think
i'll stop it.

i have to read 20% of my independent reading book by
tuesday, erica has my book. the only time i am able to see
her is tomorrow morning, BUT i have to type a paper for a
class later on that day in the morning. SHIT. i gotta get
that book somehow.