Dirty Fractyl
2001-10-21 20:49:51 (UTC)

At first I was afraid, I was petrofied...but I grew strong...I will survive!

I am going to fucking make it. I am too strong to feel
sorry for myself, and I don't want anyone's pity anymore.
This is the start of a new Brett. Which Brett will emerge,
I have yet to know. There has been Brettt, and Brett, and
they were different people. I don't feel like going into
the differences.

I am going to start by finding a job. Then, should I prove
successful at doing so, I am moving out and living by
myself to make an attempt to establish my independance. I
need to get into a situation where I am forced to mature;
forced to cook and clean for myself, to manage my
obligations, and become a strong, independent young man. I
am no longer a child, and I need to stop treating myself
like one and pretending it's okay.

Then, I am also going to start working out with weights
again. I have a beautiful body that I am slowly destroying
with cigarettes and laziness--both products of my apathy.
My chest is waiting to be sculpted. I want to be huge. I
want to be the guy that when people walk by, they
think, "Holy shit, I would never mess with that
motherfucker." So yeah, I want to bulk up about 20 more
lbs and start benching well over 200 lbs (maybe 250 would
be nice?). I am going to be a fucking machine! Yes, that
is a goal...

This relationship has helped me learn a lot about myself,
invaluable lessons that I cannot discard:
1) I need to be independant of the person I am with. I
cannot come to them every time I crash.
2) I need to fucking grow up and act my age.
3) Who I date is not "MINE," they are with me because they
love me. I need to treat them with more respect.
4) People don't keep their promises, so don't cling so
heavily to the words they utter. People's hearts can
change--sometimes overnight, as I have just seen.

But yeah, sing it with me:
"At first I was afraid...I was petrofied...thinking I could
never live without you by my side...but I will survive, I
will survive."

Oh, and I will do more than survive. I will thrive. I am
going to become someone I respect. I want to respect
myself. God will give me the strength to do this. He
loves me. I am certain of it.