2001-10-21 17:56:21 (UTC)

ai de mi.

so. wow. where do i start this entry? i never was good at
this whole journal thing. at first this was merely to keep
me from boredom and to get all those crazy thoughts out of
my head, but now one of my professors thinks it will be
good for my writings etc etc.

ok. so. well, i'll start with yesterday's events i guess,
and go on from there.... woke up somewhat late and i was
happy because for most of the week i've been sidelined with
some flubug but yesterday i woke up with only the sniffles.
a definate improvement!!! so new jersey nick and i decided
that we would grab some grub, but there was one issue.. i
couldn't get out of the apt complex because some ditz left
their curling iron on so their apt caught fire causing all
entrances and exits to be blocked by fire trucks and cops.
ai.. sometimes the stupidity of people is beyond me. well,
i ended up kicking my truck into reverse and walking on
over to meet up with nick. we went to cheddars and all i
ordered was a hamburger platter, but i had spent all week
not eating (because i was sick, not because i was on some
silly diet) so it didn't take much to fill me up. so right
now sitting in my refrigerator there is an almost complete
hamburger. that will definately be eaten this week, seeing
as i've only a 5-meal plan.

but anyway. after hanging out with nick i came back to the
apt, cleaned my room, hooked speakers up to my computer and
did silly non-important things. oh, i got mail! lol. the
school sent me a check for my refunded alicia keyes tickets
(she played at my U, and they did a horrible job and
nyah)... then from there i basically went to the cafeteria
for "dinner" then hung out w/ppl as they got ready for

now.. i was originally supposed to go to homecoming,
w/travis.. but. that didn't work out. and then i was
supposed to go w/my buddy alex -- but since i've been sick
i decided to scratch the whole thing. well, at about 8:50
i changed my mind yet again, and decided to go. my friends
left for the dance at 9pm, as did i. how is this
possible?? well, that's the wonderful thing about being a
minimalist -- i threw on a dress, some nice shoes,
cornrowed my hair real quick and then added lipstick.
(this was a formal dance)... and not to sound conceited,
but i think i looked darn good last night. i had a lot of
fun -- it was the first time all year that i've hung out
w/beth, bryan, allen, cash, etc..... it was like "old
times" basically like freshman year.. really enjoyed myself.

at the end of the dance i had to decide if i wanted to
continue hanging out with everyone or if i wanted to go to
anita's and see ppl and to talk to travis. well. i went to
anita's.. because i really wanted to straighten things out
w/travis. what can i say, i'm weak. well. i get there and
its just anita, alex, heather, nick and ian. no worries, i
had my self a nice lil drink and we all chilled and had
fun. well, not much later erin and jamie show up, and then
travis and the rest of the boys&gals and a few i don't
know... erin and i had a lil chat, i explained to her my
situation with travis. she told me that my best bet was
not to do anything, that travis thinks he's a "tough guy"
lately and that it just wouldn't be good. and so nothing
is resolved in an official sense. but i know its over and
i'm cool with that. ok. i'm still upset, because i let
myself get atttached. but i'm much better about it today..
regardless of the fact that i was not feeling so splendid
this morning because i consumed a few too many drinks last

so this morning i had breakfast/brunch w/ billy, dana, joe,
and todd. which was cool. i love those boys. totally feel
at ease with them which is odd since i barely know them. i
briefly touched on last nights events, mainly because i was
hungover, and it was very obvious i was hungover.... i
didn't realize that billy didn't know i had a bf until i
said that after last night i'm now single. so i felt bad,
because billy is awesome and i really would like to hang
out with him more.

i've yet to tell all this stuff to suzie, maybe when she
gets back from whereever she is. i really do need to sit
down and have a "girl talk" with someone. which sounds
funny, since it wasn't until college that i actually had
female friends.

i don't know why i'm still continueing this journal entry.
i don't have anything interesting or earthshattering to
write.. my mind is just running round and round and it
won't let me rest and i normally would just set out on my
walks until i was exhausted enough that i can't think
anymore..... but i'm still weak from last night....

man. last night was not the highlight of times.. i had fun
at the dance... and for the most part i had fun at anita's.
until the end. but, i really should not have drank as much
as i did. i'm angry at myself because i drank so much.
really not happy with that, i'm going to be 21 in a few
months, its about time i started drinking more
responsibly... i was doing so well too. just a glass of
wine with dinner. occassionally a social drink.. but i all
out got blitzed last night.

blah. so i don't know where i stand right now... if that
makes sense. it feels weird and disorienting. because
yeah. i don't know. there's a lot going on in this heart of
mine right now... a part of me still cares about travis,
but i think deep down i know that he's not good for me...
whenever i'm around him i start to pull back into my
shell. i really really just need to stay away from the
whole dating scene i think. its not good for me. its
tempting.. and i enjoy the company.. but i definately don't
enjoy the drama. most certainly do not. because the whole
time i dated travis, i was feeling guilty because not only
was i attracted to other guys, but i actually developed
mini-crushes on guys.. some of those crushes still exist,
so i'm going to stay away from those guys so that i don't
do any stupid rebound things. blah. girls are silly. and
i'm a girl, and i know i'm definately silly and foolish.

going to stop here. this is definately a very very long
post. my prof would be proud, but i don't think i'm going
to let him read it. lol.