listen to my silences
Ad 2:
2001-10-21 17:34:05 (UTC)

last night

brian and i had a really good time. it was...i don't know
how to explain it. you oughtta know by now if you've read
any of my other entries or if you know me that i can't
explain anything. let me just tell you what went on...

he picked me up at like quarter till ten. it would have
been earlier, but things got mixed up...we were supposed to
go with his friends so he had to wait on them. then when
he was on the way to my house, they called and said they
weren't going out anyways...they were gonna get drunk. he
doesn't drink, which is really cool since i can't. not
that i would anyways, but not being able to kinda sux. so
we decided to get something to eat. he opened doors for me
(it shocked me even though brodie does it. i guess cause
no one i've gone out with does.) but he also let me open
doors for him. which was really cool cause it proves that
he will let other people do things for him sometimes.

we went to o'charley's and i actually could eat cause i
hadn't much all day. it was really good too. our waiter
was cool...he didn't rush us or fact he said
he'd rather us stay for awhile instead of leave. he was a
really good waiter too, he always kept up on drinks and
stuff, but wasn't constantly bugging us. brian and i
talked the whole time, about everything. it was great. i
don't know how to describe it. i could've stayed there all
night and just listened to him and talked with him. and i
wouldn't have been bored at all. i wasn't bored. he's
such a good guy. i was so relaxed too...which actually is
unusual. i mean, i always appear relaxed around a guy i go
out with, but i never actually am relaxed. i was last
night. it was...weird. but cool. different...but good.
really good.

brian, being the gentleman he is, paid for dinner. i
wanted to pay my share (when do i not?) but he insisted. i
had to explain the whole independence thing to him. it's
not that i don't appreciate the guestures, and it nice to
be shown the chivalry and the's just that i
don't like people to think i'm dependent on them. i don't
know if that made any sense to you, but he understood it.

we talked all the way home. he, of coarse, walked me to my
door. i didn't expect to be, but i kinda thought he would,
just him being who he is. anyways, we gave each other a
hug and he said "you're so cool". i said "ok"...i mean
what am i supposed to say to that? he said "no, you are"
looked at me...and...kissed me. just a pop kiss, but i
wasn't expecting it. not that it was bad that it
happened. it wasn't. at all. it just...surprised me.
and if you know me at all, you know i like spontaneity. so
it was cool. another understatement, but i can't find a
better word at the moment.

he's supposed to call me today and we're gonna do
something. i don't know what. he didn't say if he'd
thought of anything or what. but that's ok. i like not
knowing. i like not making all the plans. i haven't dated
a guy older than me since seventh grade. and i, being the
forward person i am, have asked every guy i've dated
(whether we went out or not) on the date. i decided awhile
ago, after going on a few dates with daniel, that i was
done dating younger guys and i wasn't gonna ask out a guy
for awhile. if he asked me out, then that would definitely
be ok, but i was not gonna do it anymore. plus, i had to
get myself sorted out. i got a lot of stuff worked out at
school on friday.

he's 19, he'll be 20 on friday. he asked me out. he took
the initiative. i wasn't playful around him, just myself.
he kissed me. these are all firsts for me...since seventh
grade. it's a good thing. everything has worked out...the
timing...everything i said had to be done before i would
even go out with a guy happened before yesterday. signs?
i would say...yeah. we'll see how it goes today. he's
such a good guy. he's...i don't know...mature. that's
it. i finally found the word. after going on and on about
that in one of my entries, i couldn't even think of the but that's exactly what it is. he's mature.
and logical. we discussed that last night. like i said,
i've never had this, so it's...different. but good. we're
not "going out". but we're dating. there's a difference.
(that sounded childish, but for certain people, it did need
to be said.) so i'm off of here to go to a college fair
and so he can get through to call.

final thought: confusion makes this world go round,
corruption's got our lives worn down. so when i meet good
people along the way, i get down on my knees and pray. and
i never have to worry, my whole life is before me easily.