Dirty Fractyl
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2001-10-21 16:23:46 (UTC)

I couldn't avoid reality forever

I am awake now. I am thinking, and after reading her
journal entry, suffering. I can see she wants only to get
rid of me, and I have no idea why. It will not save me
from pain, it IS pain. I just can't understand why she
would do this to me. I love her so much; she is so
beautiful, inside and out. But she is tormenting herself,
and in doing so, tormenting me, in an attempt to make me
grow sick of her and leave her. But that just won't
happen. This is the greatest love I have ever experienced
and I am not ready to give it up. I am so not ready. She
isn't even giving things a fair chance. She isn't even
waiting until we can see one another and kiss, and hold
each other, and see just how beautiful what we have is.

I have no idea what I am going to do with the day. I need
to write Melanie's paper that I am writing for her because
it is due on Wednesday. I need to study for my physics
test that I have Friday. But all these responsibilities
seem inconsequential when I think of my broken heart. It
takes precidence over everything, and consumes me. She
thinks she is doing my a favor by "setting me free," but
she is destroying me and making me completely miserable.
She just can't do this to us.

I guess I will go get a cup of coffee and smoke a few
cigarettes. I just wish there was a switch on the side of
my head that could turn off all thoughts of this. I wish
there was a way to escape this. But the inevitable is
coming. She is going to begin to treat me like shit in an
effort to make me hate her. I won't be able to deal with
that. I love her so much, and she is more than a
girlfriend to me, she is my best friend. Friends just
don't do this to each other. They don't.