Long Gone Days
2001-10-21 15:03:12 (UTC)

Is it or isn't it.......anorexia?

There's been lots of stuff on the TV this week about
people's obsession with their body image. It's been
surprising, even to me, to see the amount of hang ups
shared by so many people. One girl on this documentary was
saying how she chooses food that'll 'look good and neat' in
her stomach. She was even talking about picking food so
that the colours of it would match each other in her
stomach, because she had this image in her mind of what it
looked like inside. That's a definite hang up. Well am I of
her world? How am I doing?

I've quite lost track, I haven't even weighed, I think I'm
a bit lighter because my ribs and spine hurt me when I lie
down. I can't get comfortable in my skin, how symbolic. And
my clothes fall down a bit more, but that's no real
indication because I always get them so huge to hide my
shape and all. But when I look at my face it still looks
round. Perhaps I'm not losing weight, perhaps I'm just
noticing the same old things for the first time in ages.
And no one has noticed either. I mean, I live with someone
right? They'd notice if I'd got thinner? That's if he ever
looked at me or touched me. Hmmm. So perhaps HE isn't an
indication. I even wonder if he's using again. Have I lost?
Is he lost again? Or is it all in my head? I can't tell any
more. I'm the grand high queen of neuroses. "I desire peace
where I live"

I'll get back to you diary, perhaps I should weigh, get one
thing straight at least.