A Dreamer's Playground
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2001-10-21 08:19:03 (UTC)

What Did I Do?

Did I do something wrong? What did I say to make the
two men I love most hate me? Am I just over-reacting and
is yahoo just preventing them from being able to get
online? Or what?
My mistreated heart leads me to treat everyone as the
stereotype of which I've always had to deal with and for
that I misjudged Pheonix and I don't know if he's mad at me
or what.
I really don't know if I'm just thinking the worst
about Jason or what...but I told him I'd be back online and
he wasn't there.. I left away messages for him saying
goodbye then I went on invisible and went to the bathroom
and when I got back, he was back, but as soon as I said
something to him, he logged out.
I was not invisible for a while but he didn't come
back. I logged out again after saying goodnight but I
figured I'd check quickly to see if he was back
online...and he was...but once again I said something and
he logged out. I went on invisible then for about ten or
twenty minutes and I was about to say goodnight for the
last and final time, but he just logged back in. And once
again after I said something to him, he logged back out.
I don't know if I did something or if it's just yahoo,
or if he's mad at me or what, but I hate feeling like
this. I love him more than anybody. He means the world to
me...and if I did do something wrong, I don't know what and
it's killing me.
I just can't help but cry now and think that the only
two men who cared about me more than anyone...I have now
I can only pray I haven't lost them...Pheonix knows
that my heart is true to Jason, but I care about them both
so much. I've made a commitment to Jason and I love him
and I never want to lose him. God please don't say I did
something...please don't say I've lost him...without him I
have no reason to live. He is my happiness, my soul, my
love. My whole purpose of being is just to be with him,
think about him, love him.
Please don't say I've lost him...please....

******* * ****** **** * *
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* *---* ****** * * * * *
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**** * * ****** **** * *

Boy I love you. You mean everything to me.