AngeL w/o WinGs

-=-My So Called Life-=-
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Ezoic
2001-10-21 05:07:45 (UTC)

Dear Diary....

Today was a waste of a day. I went for a doctor's physical
today. Everything checked out okay.
My life doesn't suck right now, so I don't have much to
complain about. I guess I could probably find SOMETHING to
whine about, but I won't. Nothing sux in my life right now,
because all I feel is numbness. I don't feel
anything....the days just go by. It's weird.
When it comes to friends, certain experiences have made me
realize I can't be too trusting. There is Marisa...and I
trust her. I trust Joe because...well he is Joe and you
cant help but trust him. Amanda as well, but after
that.......gotta always watch my back, it's a depressing
feeling.
When it comes to relationships. Certain guys have made me
realize that you can't let yourself be too vulnerable and
trusting....you can't fall head over heels, b/c love is
blinding......and the brightness of that light blurs your
vision, and then soon enough your heart winds up on the
floor in a million shattered pieces. Certain guys have
taught me I can't put my complete trust in a relationship,
because, believe me, the most perfect of situation will
eventually BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE.
The numbness I feel doesn't hurt. It's just like nothing
emotionally matters, and that sorta sux because you lack
those OTHER emotions, the ones that make you feel really
good. Like when your heart would flutter, or when you would
be overcome with happiness and feel contentness. When you
know you can fall back and someone will be there to catch
you. You don't feel any of that. You want to know what you
feel? You feel homework....jobs....comittments...obligations
...you feel goals and ambitions setting up your priorities,
and you feel reality in full blast. Maybe I just woke
up.....finally. Been living in a dreamer's world for far to
long...I suppose.

What if I could dream forever? And what if those dreams
could all actually come true?

The upside to the numbness....although I may wake up and
feel numb and just.....there..."blah".....atleast I don't
wake up every morning with tears in my eyes from crying
myself to sleep. Atleast I don't feel worthless. I've
realized, those people which helped to kick down my self
esteem, in the long run just made me stronger. They lack
human compassion, and that is their problem, not mine. They
will grow up, and they will have to live with being
worthless bad people...and then one day they will face God,
and I hope he forgives them.
I'm not going to fight back. ******* n ********* n all
their mindless trains of scum can say WHATEVER they want
about me. And you want to know why? Because they can be as
immature as they want. If they want to create a pointless
drama about every person and every situation, then let them
go ahead. Besides, they dont know it, and they probably
wouldn't even believe it because they are so self absorbed,
but no one likes them anyways. I hear the things people say
about them. I hear how badly their "so called FRIENDS" talk
about them. It's sad that I was so close to ******* and I
tried to help her and was there for her and never talked
about her....that we had such a good friendship going and
she turned that down for what she has now...which in my
eyes is nothing.
Matt likes her? Well that may have bothered me...when
tears plagued my mind and emotions filled my days....but
now emotions chase me....but I'm too fast for them. Now it
doesn't bother me, b/c if that is what he wanted all along,
I would NEVER want to be anything like that. And I guess
that just shows we were wrong, b/c I would never be a
person like that....so
mindless....stupid....dumb....dark....careless...blind....
and most of all...mean.

I may not be the nicest person in the world, but I
definately do not go out of my way to be a mean person. I
try to be nice, I...I don't know, I'm just me, and that's
that.


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