Dirty Fractyl
2001-10-21 04:40:03 (UTC)

Holding tight to what sanity I have left

I have smoked a pack and a half of unfiltered Pall Malls
today. I have been so nervy all day. lungs are
going to crap out on me even earlier. I hope I get
emphysema (sp) when I am 30, or even sooner. Cigarettes =
slow suicide. They are a socially accepted form of it,
too. I had promised myself I would quit smoking when I had
kids for their sake, but that was all based on the
assumption that I would have someone that wanted to have my
kids. Now I don't know if that will ever happen. Who
would want to bear my children when they are sure to be as
insane as I am?

Just telling her that I intend to change, to be less
dependant, less posessive, isn't enough. I am going to
have to prove that to her, and that will take time. I just
hope she gives me the time to do it. I am so willing to do
whatever is necessary to make this work. She says she
cannot leave Michigan, not yet. If need be, I would
transfer up there to go to MSU or Michigan; or if not that,
I would use the large sum of loan money I have next year on
plane tickets and live at home for yet another year.
Whatever sacrifices it takes. This is the greatest thing
to ever happen to me, the greatest love I have ever known,
and I want to do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn't
become extinguished. I can't let that happen.

I always thought I was doing a good job, but why wouldn't
she tell me the things that were bothering her as they
started to arise? Why did she let it all build up? If she
had told me sooner what was bothering her, I could have
made an effort to change it before it became this

Why does everyone I love want to push me away? Why are
they all afraid of hurting me? Am I that fucking fragile?

Anyway, all that garbage aside. My friend Melanie was
extremely helpful tonight in talking to me about what was
going on and it was nice to get a woman's perspective
instead of all the idiocy I get when I talk to my guy
friends who just say "She met someone else." I know she
did not, she told me she didn't, and I trust her
completely. She wouldn't lie to me. Well, anyway, we went
to go see that Riding in Cars with Boys movie with that
Pulp Fiction chick (I just forgot her name in this
sentence). It was an awful movie. I figured going to a
movie would help get my mind off things, but this movie was
far too boring to hold my attention so I sat in my seat
thinking about the whole situation for the entire 2:30 that
the movie lasted. Then when I got home, I rushed in here
to the computer to see if she had written me, as she said
she would try to, but alas, she has not. However, her
definition of "night" extends until about 9am the next day,
so I guess she still might.

I could really go for a nice joint right now, but I don't
have much money, and what I do have, I have to use on oil
for my car, which is falling apart. All of the sudden
(hey, wait, that sounds vaguely familar) my car decided it
didn't like me. Now it knocks when I accelerate, stalls
when I come to a stop, and burns oil like a mothafuckah. I
hope it blows up; that would just cap this month off

And as for doing what I want to do right now, I have
already promised I am done with that, and I flushed the
little beasties down the toilet, so there is no going back
on that. It is a thing of the past. No more ODs on
sedatives to erase reality. It was foolish, anyway,
besides worrying the one that loves me so much, I could
have caused brain damage to myself if I had continued. One
night I couldn't even move my lips to speak and I couldn't
get the strength to get out of bed. Shit like that can't
be healthy for you.

I guess I will go smoke another one of those glorious Pall
Malls, since I do still have a few left.