emily says hi
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2001-10-21 04:07:07 (UTC)

This is a diary

My names emily and I am to write something. Technicalyl I
will delve into my inner most inards and type out everything
I am in the desperate and meloncholy hope that there is
someother desperate and meloncholy slop out there who will
perchance, some how, for some reason, read what i'm writing
and think to themselves, between slavering bites of their
balony and ketchup sandwhich "hey, i know what she's
thinking." Or maybe this is just the next step in
reaffirming my darkest fear: that the world has given birth
to more retards like me. Can I say the word retard on this
thing? I swear I don't hate retarded people, handicaps,
whatever. I hope i don't have to start inhibiting myself on
this public diary thing. That's what these things are
supposed to do anyways, right? not offend i mean, but to
give people the clingy, flipped out hope that someone ay be
reading their crap or soemthing.....kind of a creepy,
gohstly feeling i guess. Jesus, i'm such the worst psuedo
intellectual in the world. That's what Max calls me
sometimes when he's playing. He's a good kid, he's my boy. I
like him alot. more than I have most guys. I don't lie to
him, which is a good sign, methinks. But thats just because
i've lied to practically every boyfriend I've ever had.
Sarah (she's my sister) asked me a while ago when she came
to visit what my ideal boy would be. Already that's a pretty
jaded and stupid question. I guess she was talking about
like, looks and crap. Or personality. Or what he would do to
tell me that he liked me. Now call me stupid, I promise you
wouldn't be the first, but the only think i look for in a
boy anymore that I was consiously aware of was whether or
not the boy would be someone I wouldn't feel inclinded to
LIE to all the time. Now how lame is that. I guess when your
skitzo and a habitual liar, it's the creepy little things
like that you think are sweet. Christ, I hope i can be
honest with this thing. Maybe if I convince mysel that no
one will read it I can be tottaly honest for the first time
with myself. Becuase I do that alot. Lie, i mean. Sometimes
to my arents. Well, a bunch of the times with my parents.
But that's stupid, becuase they are good people. I'm lucky,
I guess. They' not the kind of blitzy pshyco's that would
throw their kid on the street when they catch her smoking.
still, I guess I got to get my kicks somehow. I've tried all
the conventional ways. Weed, booze, kleptomania...Booze is
fun stuff, but I want to watch myself or i'll be just like
me mom.god love the woman, but she is ti-zotally the most
easily shit-facable person I have ever known. It's alright
though. She's not like the creepy wierdo alchoholics. She's
more of the classic, jovial kind. Still stupid, but
unoffensive. Shit is nice, but i hate weed. it does nothing
for me. Maybe I'm weed retarded, but everytime i've gotten
high it's just been boring. Not fun. Not funny. JUst lame.
And boring. But I regress. I'm tired. I'll see you l

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