Dirty Fractyl
2001-10-21 01:09:35 (UTC)

Finally getting some real reasons

Okay, so the breakup that seemed to be over nothing is
finally starting to materialize, you might say. And while
I thought all along I was doing nothing wrong, I see now
that I was. It is just too habitual of me to have noticed,
and I did not. But I am a fucking 5 year old when it comes
to dating, sometimes. I depend so heavily on my
girlfriends that it breaks them. This isn't the first time
it has happened. It is something I am going to have to
make a pure hearted effort to change to have any chance of
keeping Kristin, or any other girl for that matter. No one
is meant to bear the cross I carry sometimes. It just
isn't reasonable to expect someone to. But I get negligent
and forget that I am doing it, or don't even notice when I
am. But that will change. From now on, be it with Kristin
(or if she dumps me) or another girl, I am going to do my
best to be self-sufficient, especially emotionally.

Also, I think quite obviously, I was guilty of moving too
fast. After knowing her a mere couple of months, I already
expected her to move in with me next year, leave everything
behind in her life that she had begun to hold dear. That
just isn't fair. And then I was even worse when I laid a
guilt trip on her, telling her that "I thought my love was
strong enough, but I guess it isn't." What kind of person
says that to someone? I am so fucking stupid sometimes
that I amaze myself.

And then there is the issue of posessiveness. It is
another trait I have always been guilty of. But I guess it
just boils down to the fact that when I love someone so
much, I just have an intense fear of someone doing
something to take me away from them, whether it is
reasonable or not. It is something I will need to fix,
again, if I have any chance of keeping her in my life. I
think what makes it so bad in this case though, and it is
worse than in the past, is the distance. Being that she is
so far away, I have to do everything within my willpower
to...well, I am not sure how to say it. But I just feel as
though I have so very little influence on what goes on,
when I know that's not the truth, when I know she loves me
and is not looking elsewhere. I guess you could say it is
a matter of trust.

But, anyway, those are three things I need to work on if I
am going to keep her, three things I need to work on even
if I don't keep her. The decision is entirely beyond my
control, and I am going to do my best to keep myself from
tormenting myself over it as time passes.

"Bonds this beautiful are not meant to be broken." --me