J

October 20,2001 4:00 p.m.

This is the first time for me writing in here. I used to
keep a diary when I was younger, but I was always bad at
keeping up with it. I thought having it on here would make
it easier for me since I am on here often.
I have to leave for work in about an hour. This is my
first day back since I had to be off because of pregnancy
complications. I still can't believe I am actually
pregnant. I also can't believe I ever sort of wished I
was. I am only 19 and now I will have this responsibility
with me for the rest of my life. Curtis(the baby's dad)
still hasn't talked to me. What do you expect though? We
weren't even together. It was a one night kind of thing
and I was stupid enough to say it was ok with no
protection. What was I thinking? I am also still scared
that it isn't his, and I wont know who the dad is. I can't
believe I slept with the people I did those few months. It
was like I went crazy for some reason...drinking, drugs,
and sex were all I thought about. It definitely wasn't
worth it because I almost lost Kevin to it all. He is the
most important thing to me and I would never want to
jeopardize that ever again. I am so thankful that he still
loves me after everything I put him through. I think he is
finally going to ask me to be with him now. He was talking
about it last night but he is worried that the long
distance thing wont work. And he is understandably worried
that I will hurt him again. I am trying my hardest to show
him I won't, and I really think he is trusting me again
finally. I love him so much and I know he loves me or
would have been gone by now. I just cant believe he is
still here...I really thought I would lose hime, but I
guess that just proves how strong our feelings are. He is
also scared that I wont be able to handle the fact that he
wont be able to come down a whole lot since he is so far
away. I told him that doesn't matter to me, but I think he
thinks it does. But, at the end of the conversation last
night he said to let him think about things. He always
says how bad he wants to be with me, but he wants it all to
work out. I think he is afraid about the physical side.
We cant be physically together right now, and I dont think
he wants to give that up with the people he has there now.
I know he would, but I think that is what is holding him
back. He knows I could go without that, cause I have been
for the past few months to show him that I really do care.
I hate it when he talks about Erica and Haley cause I know
they both want to be with him, and he has had sex with
Haley before which bothers me. He doesn't really talk
about them much but even a little bothers me. It's just
the fact that they get to be with him and I dont. Erica is
a virgin and she told him she wants him to be her
first...he says he wont do it, but I dont know. I dont
want him to be with anyone but me, but sometimes I think
that is selfish of me since we are so far away right now.
He talks about marriage sometimes though, so I know he
would be with me if he could. He even calls this baby his
which makes me so happy cause I know he is supportive of
me. He said if this ever happened he wouldn't talk to me
anymore, but when it did he couldn't do it...and he told me
even as much as it hurt him he wasn't going anywhere.
That's why I love him so much. J