listen to my silences
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2001-10-20 21:12:41 (UTC)

written on friday...maturity

maturity rarely exists in any area of my life. not
necessarily pertaining to me i've been told...but you be
the judge of that.

i'm a senior in high school. note the words HIGH SCHOOL.
they in themselves should explain the lack of maturity.
not everyone here is immature. some are mature beyond
imagination. some have had so much anguish in their lives
it's unbelieveable how they are now. but the
rest...well...instead of noting the scars on the wrists of
the person next to them...instead of seeing the dark
circles under the eyes of the person across the
room...instead of randomly asking how someone is, they
complain about not having plans for the weekend...they
argue about which guy is gonna ask them out next or what
girl they think is really hot...they make crude comments
about people they know nothing about, anyone
who's "different". in truth, we are all different, in one
way or another. whether it be internal or external, no two
of us are similar. so many put on ffacades of normality.
not that putting on a front is a sign of immaturity.
fronts exist for reasons, the immaturity lies in believing
they aren't fronts.

i have a younger sister (15) and a younger brother (13).
my sis (susan) goes to the same school i do, and she's one
of the oblivious people i was referring to earlier. my bro
(brian) is more mature at times than she ever will be.
granted, those moments are fleeting, but they do exist,
which says a lot considering he's male. (no offense to all
my guy friends, you all aren't "typical males" remember?
any generalizations made about males don't include you.)
my mom and dad still think i'm 12. yeah, i am the oldest
(17) and i konw that they never want me to grow up and out
of their house, but they can't stop time. that may sound
harsh, and i don't mean it to be, but i need the freedom.

i swear, target has its own soap opera. everyday it's the
same situation, the same arguments, just a rotation of
people. i've tried to stay out of the drama, and so far
i've been mostly successful. no one can completely not be
dragged into it, but i keep my mouth shut on certain things
and it works. i don't ignore people. i couldn't do that.
i talk to them and listen. i try to provide a relief from
the usual. according to brian (isn't that a movie title or
something similar? not that i would know considering how
many movies i've those that know) my friend
from work, i am somewhat of a relief from it. brian's
never dragged me into anything, and he's tried to stay out
of it all too. invariably, though, he always gets
involved. not of his own doing though. well, i guess
indirectly it is his doing, but if peolpe would just grow
up it wouldn't happen. he'll jokingly say something and
it'll get taken the wrong way. his words always seem to
get twisted. he'll be talking about something having
nothing to do with anything, and just about anyuone who
overhears will think he's talking bad about angela. i
mean, come on people, think, grow up. he's over her, why
can't you be? quit with the rumors and gossip. listen to
yourself for once. you hate being talked about? look what
you're doing! oh, i forgot, rules apply to all except
you. i'm not talking about everyone from work. i believe
brian's the only one at work who knows completely what i'm
talking about. probably for two reasons: 1) we have
problems withe the same people and 2) he's really easy to
talk to. he said the same about me yesterday,
but...well...i guess i just don't give myself enough
credit. i do'nt see myself as this good person that
everyone says i am, so when brodie put me on a shelf the
other day, i protested. not becasue i'm modest, but
because i don't believe it. back to what i was talking
about...brian's probably one of the most mature guys there,
in my opinion. i don't say that just cause i'm somewhat
attracted to him, but because he's proven himself time and
time again. on to something else.

that should be in quotes. the complete self-involvement
and selfishness of some of them amaszes me. not all...but
many. i'm saying no names right now, cause i don't like to
be yelled at. i will say one name: brodie, i'm not
referring to you or what's been going on with you. to
everyone else: have a question about it, ask me. this
doesn't mean don't come to me if you need to talk. please
DO come to me. i will alwyas listen. it merely means
listen to me once in awhile. there's one person and one
person only who completely knows me. better than i do. he
always asks what's up and always proves that he cares and
always really does want to know, he never just asks.
thanks, brodie. to those that think i don't hide stuff
from you: welcome to my reality. it's not that i think you
don't care, but that you aren't ready to listen to
everything. i do love you all, and i don't want you
keeping things from me. i know that sounds unfair, but
i'll tell you things when you're ready to listen to them.
right now, you're not. simple as that. it's ok. i
understand. i still love you. for those that know i hide
stuff, i know you're ready to listen, but i'm not ready to
tell you...yet.

final thought:
you have two choices. you can either traverse the skies
with me or try to keep me on the ground. one choice leads
to freedom, the other shall fail. both shall lead to
knowledge and understanding of me. you have one decision.
which one will it be?