a little piece of me
2001-10-20 19:03:24 (UTC)

no good

well, i've been trying to keep myself busy since having my
heart shredded, but it's not helping. i bumped into him
today, and that made things fall apart again. he just
pretended like nothing had happened. he acts like we're
still together, but as much as i love him, i just can't
stay with him. i can't. my sanity is at stake here. i've
been trying to work up the courage to call him and tell him
it's over. am i making a big mistake here? giving up the
person i love more than life itself? when i'm with him, i
feel so happy and sad at the same time. i feel happy for
the obvious reasons (namely that i love him), but
incredibly sad, because i just don't feel loved, even
though he tells me he loves me more times a day than i can
count. it's like he's trying to convince himself that he
loves me. i suppose i should just ask him, but i'm afraid
of what his answer will be. i'd rather not know for sure
how he feels about me, than to hear him say that he
doesn't love me.

geez, i'm such a girl. i think too much. i feel too
much. i hate being this low and vulnerable. right now i'm
listening to tool. in some strange way, the
song 'reflections', from lateralus, describes my mood
perfectly. it's not so much the words of the song, but the
music. the mood. i could listen to the song a million
times. i do love the lyrics, too. if you haven't heard it
(shame on you!) it's as follows.

i have come curiously close to the end though
beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole
deafeat i concede and move closer
i may find comfort here
i may find peace withing the emptiness
coming for me
and it's calling me...

and in my darkest moment, feeble and weeping
the moon tells me a secret, a confidant
as full and bright as i am
this light is not my own and
a million light relfections pass over me
the source is the light and endless sheen
the source that makes the hole black
without her we are lifeless satellites, drifting

and as i pull my head out i am without one doubt
you wanna peer down here, survey my narcissism i
must crucify the ego before it's far too late
i pray the light lifts me out
before i hide away...

so crucify the ego before it's far too late
and leave behind this place so negative and blind and
and you will come to find that we are all one mind
capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable
so let the light touch you so that the words spill through
and let the past break through bringing out our hope and
before we hide away...

those are the lyrics as i understand them anyway. so
beautiful. crucify the ego before it's far too late. if
more people did that, this world wouldn't be quite so
shitty. people these days are too selfish, and no one
cares about anyone else. no one listens. no one helps.
everyone is 'just waiting for their turn to speak' (fight
club). makes me sick. i hate this society.

on that note, i'm outa here...