Reality Check
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2001-10-20 15:25:46 (UTC)

I don't understand

God's put a lot of mountains in my path. Some have been easy
to cross...others not so easy. But I've always crossed them.
When my father left when I was 4, it took a while, but i got
over it. When i found out he wasn't actually my father, and
that my real father left a short time after i was born, i
got over that. When my mom drunk a lot, and fought with my
family, i got through it. My cousin molesting me, being
raped, being hurt so many times....i've always gotten over
it. It's always been so normal for awful things to happen to
me, that i've gotten used to getting over them. It's a
breeze. But when God puts something/someone wonderful in my
life...i'm confused. It's a mountain to get over, but i'm
not sure how. I'm so happy right now with Jimmy, that I
don't know how to act, because that is so strange for me.
I'm probably making no sense...and it's hard to explain.
It's like...when i think about him i'm happy, and when i'm
with him i am filled with a light....and i've never felt
like that before. Being happy was never one of my good
traits. To the public it's always seemed like it, but i
guess that's why i know i'll make a good actress. I'm good
at covering up who i really am inside. Jimmy's taken my
sadness away, and that scares me because sadness is the only
thing i truly know. It's been my being for a long time. I
don't know. I guess i'm just babbling. I just don't
understand anything right now. I've always been a lovesick
romantic, reading love poetry and love stories, watching
romantic movies....dreaming of the perfect man to come and
sweep me off my feet, but i've never experienced it. nowhere
out of my dreams anyways.